


You Go Your Way, I'll Go Your Way Too

by andsowemeetagain



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Fraternities & Sororities, Modern AU, More angst, a slight To All The Boys I've Loved Before AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-12
Packaged: 2019-07-11 07:16:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 34,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15967382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andsowemeetagain/pseuds/andsowemeetagain
Summary: "So, do you wanna thank me now or later?""What do you want?""I think I've found a way to solve your little problem" he said, leaning forward to prop his elbows onto the table."How?" she asked, "Did you build a time machine in your spare time instead of playing beer pong?""First of all, I don't even like beer pong" he said, "and secondly, no I did not build a time machine. But you won't need one.""Okay, well, lets hear it" she said, crossing her arms over her chest."Well now I'm not sure if I want to help you or not. I'm not sure if you deserve to hear my idea.""Come on, Bellamy" she said, "I have to study.""Fine" he said. "So you need Finn to think that you're completely over him, which you're not. And the only way anyone else-if they found out about the letter- would believe you were actually not in love with your best friends boyfriend was if you had one of your own.""Well of course" she said, "but I'm not- I mean, I don't have a boyfriend."He leaned back into his chair, spreading his arms out."You do now, baby."Or, my slight To All The Boys I've Loved Before Bellarke AU.





	You Go Your Way, I'll Go Your Way Too

**Author's Note:**

> This is a slightly more grownup version of To All The Boys I've Loved Before AU. I just can't envision or do Blarke in highschool so this is an angsty season one like modern Blarke.
> 
> PS- this is not a becho friendly fic. *insert devil emoji*

"But, Finn Collins, you are in a relationship. And not just any kind of relationship. You're in a serious, since-we-were-kids, serious relationship. And you're in that relationship with the most amazing girl. A girl who just happens to be my best friend. It would never work between us. Honestly, I don't want it to. But I just had to tell you this."  
  
Clarke folded the letter, stuck it in a plain white envelope and licked the corners before neatly sealing it shut.  _There_. She already felt a little better.  
  
Her crush on Finn was something that she had tried, and failed, to ignore for months now. This was her only way of dealing with it. She would tell him how she felt, in this letter, and then she would put it away and forget about it, about him, like she'd done with the others.  
  
It was something she started doing in high school. When her crushes became too intense, her feelings too strong, she would write out how she felt and somehow that helped her move on. After her feelings were locked away in a box she kept under her bed, the crushes eventually lost their heat. And she would go back to being regular, old, non-crush having Clarke Griffin.  
  
There were five in total, including Finn Collins, her newest addition.  
  
Her first one, addressed to Wells Jaha, was written in freshman year of high school. Wells was new to the area and Clarke had been assigned to show him around the school. He was handsome, funny, charismatic. Her crush grew and grew until she could barely talk to him without stumbling over her words. So she wrote him the letter, initially planning on giving it to him, but thinking better of it and starting her letter box. After those feelings went away, they actually became pretty good friends. Come to think of it, he was pretty much the only friend she had. So good that she even told him about the crush. But by then it was obvious to her that they were definitely better off as friends. But they applied and went to different universities. They still talked every now and then.  
  
The second letter was written for Niylah, a barista at the Starbucks closest to Clarke's high school. After visiting the Starbucks almost every day for two months and still not even being on a last-name basis with Niylah, Clarke wrote the letter. The crush fizzled after Clarke stopped stalking her at Starbucks.

The third letter, and in her opinion the worst, was written in the summer before her sophomore year of high school. It was the worst because it was pretty embarrassing and addressed to her then-friend's brother, Bellamy Blake.  _That_  was a long story. Mostly because she was now a freshman in college and he was still in her life.  
  
The fourth letter was written only a few months ago. She couldn't believe she'd had two intense crushes so close to one another. But it was college. She met a lot of new people. Anyway, she had met Lexa around the same time that she'd met Finn during one of her classes. She liked them both, right off the bat. But she knew right away that Lexa had a girlfriend. That crush quickly resolved itself because Lexa dropped the class. Clarke later learned that Lexa had left the university, and her girlfriend, to study abroad.  
  
The fifth and final letter was for Finn. Clarke hoped and prayed that she could move on from this ridiculous crush even faster than the ones before.  
  
It wasn't like she wanted to have a huge crush on her best friends boyfriend. When she'd first met Finn, she didn't even know he had a girlfriend. She barely even knew Raven.  
  
But she and Raven were brought together during rush week, when they both realized they were the only two girls on campus joining Delta Nu due to familial pressure. Clarke's mother had been a Delta Nu. And so had Finn's mother. And since she was practically Raven's mother-in-law, it was pretty much expected of her to join. Clarke had basically had to pick her jaw up off of the floor when she realized that the  _boyfriend_  Raven sometimes mentioned during their first few weeks together turned out to be none other than Finn Collins. The boy from Clarke's statistics class. The one she had a crush on.  
  
It wasn't hard for either Clarke or Raven to be accepted into Delta Nu after rush week. Clarke was a legacy because of her mother. And Raven, well, she was the kind of girl that all sororities wanted. Pretty, intelligent, fit. A great personality. She fit in easily.  
  
Clarke, as always, had a hard time fitting in. If it weren't for Raven, she was pretty sure that she would have withdrew despite the disappointment it would have brought her mother. She wasn't sure why but she never felt comfortable being part of a group. She'd always been more of a loner.

Her hometown was small and she'd pretty much lived there her entire life. And even though she'd grown up with the same people, she never really got them. Some of them resented her for being extremely rich, daughter to a successful engineer and an even more successful surgeon. Some of them thought she was stuck up. Some of them had thought she was weird.  
  
In truth, she knew it was her and not them. She just didn't really connect with many people. She never knew what to talk about or how to act around them. So she'd lived a life with nannies and summers in Greece or Croatia. A life with benefits and fancy dinners and horseback riding and French lessons. And it was okay because she had her parents, who were her best friends. She had Wells. High school and all the school before it were a dull requirement of any teenagers life.  
  
It was January now, the beginning of the second semester of her freshman year of college. Things were slightly better. Mostly because she went home on winter break and the time away from her sorority and her unwanted crush did some good for her mental state.  
  
"Are you ready?" Raven asked, barging in without knocking. That was normal. They did share a room, after all. Not much privacy.  
  
Clarke quickly shoved the box under her bed and tried not to look too guilty.  
  
"Yep!"  
  
Because she was friends with both Finn and Raven, they often invited her to hangout with them. Even if they were going on a date. Like tonight.  
  
Clarke sat beside Raven, who was sitting beside Finn, in a movie theater just off the highway from Arkadia University. She tried to pay attention to the movie but all she could think about was the fact that it was Friday night and she was third-wheeling. Again.  
  
"Where to next, ladies?" Finn asked, as Clarke got into the backseat of his Ford pickup truck. "There's a party at-"  
  
"Can you guys just take me home?" Clarke asked, buckling her seat belt. Sometimes Finn drove a little too fast for her liking.  
  
"Really?" Raven asked, turning around in the passenger seat. "It's Friday night, Clarke."  
  
"I know" Clarke said, "but I have that anatomy test on Wednesday and I really need to study."

"You are so lame" Finn said, glancing at her in the rear view mirror.  
  
But he was half-smiling and Clarke knew that he didn't really think so.  
  
As soon as they turned onto the street where Delta Nu resided, Clarke heard the music and groaned.  
  
"Do you guys have to have a party every single weekend?" she asked, a little agitated.  
  
"Of course we do" Finn said. "Got that Alpha Sigma reputation to uphold."  
  
"By throwing the most parties and having the least cumulative GPA's on campus?" Raven questioned.  
  
"I'll have you know most of us have above average GPA's" Finn said, "thank you very much."  
  
Finn found a spot at the end of the road and the three got out.  
  
"Are you sure you don't want to join us?" Raven asked.  
  
Clarke watched as they laced their hands together and stood, as one, across from her on the side of the road.  
  
"Yeah" she said, "you guys have fun."  
  
"Alright, well" Raven said, "you know where to find us."  
  
Clarke nodded and watched them cross the street, headed to the frat house on the opposite corner.  
  
Once she was inside of her own  _home_ , the music sounded further away. Not enough for her to completely tune it out. She would definitely have to put on headphones if she actually wanted to focus on studying.

She made her way up the grand staircase to the second floor of their chapter house where all the bedrooms were. But as she neared the room she shared with Raven, she heard muffled voices coming from the room at the end of the hall.  
  
That room, the biggest in the house, belonged to their sorority president Echo.  
  
Clarke didn't know her very well. She didn't know her at all, really. Echo had more important things to worry about than new freshman sisters. Though, at her swearing in ceremony, Clarke did get the feeling that Echo felt a little annoyed that Clarke had basically been guaranteed a spot in the sorority solely based on the fact that she was a legacy. Then again, Clarke was naturally a paranoid, suspicious person. It could have all been in her head. But sometimes she would look up and find Echo staring at her and her paranoia would flare up again because she did  _not_  look at her nicely.  
  
Just as she reached her door, only a few down from Echo's, the door opened and Bellamy Blake walked out. He closed the door behind him. Well, slammed it shut was more like it.  
  
"Oh" he said, straightening up, "hey Griffin."  
  
Clarke only nodded.  
  
She was pretty sure that the only reason he even remembered her last name was because they'd known one another in the past. And quite honestly, she was almost positive that he always called her Griffin because he didn't actually remember her first name.  
  
They were both from the same small town, hundreds of miles away from Arkadia. She used to be friends with his sister, Octavia Blake. Strangely enough, Octavia Blake was one of the few kids who had invited Clarke to parties or just to hang out. And her silly, but then intense crush, had stemmed from the few summer days she'd spent at the Blake's. Summer days when Octavia's older brother had come home.  
  
But the summer before her sophomore year, when she'd written the letter to Bellamy Blake, their mother had died. Octavia decided to move away and live with her father. Clarke said goodbye to her friend. Bellamy stopped coming home. And that was that. She was left with one less friend and a crush on someone who she would never see again.  
  
She was extremely surprised when she saw him, standing out on the porch of the Alpha Sigma frat house her first week in Arkadia. So much so that at first she wasn't sure if it was actually him. She was even more surprised when he actually recognized her. Though she felt too flustered, too unsure to actually have a decent conversation with him.  
  
Her crush on him had lasted for three summers. But they'd barely even talked. He was the attractive, older brother of her friend. That in itself was complicated enough. It was a school-girl crush, of course, and luckily it hadn't made a reappearance now that she saw him every now and then. Clarke now realized that the complicated and cliche idea of being in love with her friends brother must have been the reason she had the crush in the first place. She'd always been a hopeless romantic. But she was older, wiser now. And Bellamy Blake was most certainly  _not_  her type.  
  
He didn't say anything else. Instead, he stormed down the stairs and slammed the front door behind him. Clarke figured he and Echo must have been having another one of their fights.  
  
In all honestly, she found them kind of annoying. Their constant on-and-off-and-on-again's were a hot topic in their sorority. She knew more about Bellamy than she cared to know. He was president of Alpha Sigma and Echo was president of Delta Nu, the two most popular chapter houses on campus. They were both attractive. Of course they just had to be together.  
  
As Clarke attempted to study, her thoughts kept shifting back to her letter box. She shuddered at the idea of anybody ever finding it. The contents in that box had the power to ruin her life. Or, at the very least, make her life in college complete hell. Luckily they had pretty strict unspoken policies about rummaging through their fellow sisters rooms.  
  
Eventually Clarke heard the front door open and the sound of shuffling feet and giggles echoed through the house. Raven opened the door to their room and flopped down on the bed across from Clarke's.  
  
"Did you have fun?" Clarke asked, closing her laptop and sticking it onto the table beside her bed.

"Of course" Raven said before launching into a long play-by-play of all the things Clarke had missed at yet another party. When she was finally finished, Clarke could barely keep her eyes open long enough to turn her lamp off.  
  
"Don't forget we're doing the donations thing in the morning" Raven said, yawning. "I put a couple empty boxes in our closet. Just put your stuff in them. Echo said some boys from Alpha will come by to pick them up."  
  
"Sounds good. Night, Raven."  
  
"Goodnight."

* * *

 

In the morning, Clarke quickly sorted through her room, separating the stuff she was going to donate to the local shelter. Apparently Delta Nu did this every semester as a way to keep the house from getting too cluttered and help the community at the same time.  By the time she was finished, she had two medium boxes and two smaller ones (sorted into categories) that she was getting rid of. She didn't really understand how she'd accumulated so much stuff in such a short amount of time.  
  
"Just put the boxes outside of your door" Harper said from the doorway "Murphy and Shaw are here already. They're loading them into their trucks now."  
  
Clarke nodded, helping Raven move hers first.  
  
"By the way, Clarke, Echo wants to see you" Harper said.  
  
"Now?"  
  
"Yeah, she's in her room" Harper said, before making her way down the hall to her own room.  
  
"Hey would you mind getting the rest of mine in the hall?" Clarke asked, "It's just the two medium ones in the closet and the couple of smaller ones at the foot of my bed."  
  
"Sure thing" Raven said.  
  
"I wonder why Echo wants to see me?"  
  
"I dunno" Raven said, shrugging. "Better go see."  
  
Clarke made her way towards the end of the hall and took a deep breath before knocking on Echo's door. It's not that she was scared of Echo, per se, but she was the president of Delta Nu and to some extent, she did have a little bit of power over Clarke.  
  
"Come in."  
  
"You wanted to see me?" Clarke questioned, closing the door behind her.  
  
"Clarke, hey" Echo said, peeking over her shoulder.  
  
She was sitting at her vanity table, curling her hair. Her room was spotless with minimal decoration. Everything had a place. In fact, their entire sorority was much more organized and polished than Clarke expected. And they never hosted big parties like Alpha Sigma. No, they had exclusive get-togethers. If someone wanted to come, they had to have an invitation.  
  
"I just wanted to check in" she said, glancing at Clarke in the mirror. "How was your winter break?"  
  
"It was nice" Clarke said.  
  
"Yeah? Did you stay with your mom?"  
  
"Yeah" Clarke said, "we went to visit my nana for a couple days but for the most part I was at home with my mom."  
  
"How nice" Echo said.  
  
Clarke got the feeling that she didn't really care, that she wasn't really listening. That she was only asking because she had to know her sorority sisters in some way. And the only thing she really knew about Clarke was that her mother was a former Delta Nu president.  
  
"I wanted to tell you that I was proud of you and Raven" she said, "you two had the best grades out of all the newbies."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Try to have some fun this semester though" Echo said, curling another thick piece of hair. "I think you're the only one here who doesn't go out. Or have very many friends. Outside of the sorority, I mean. You should put yourself out there a little more."  
  
Clarke resisted the urge to roll her eyes.  
  
"I'll try" she said instead.  
  
"Thank you for stopping by" Echo said.  
  
Clarke knew that she was dismissed.  
  
When she closed the door behind her, she glanced over her shoulder before holding up both her middle fingers, imaging that there wasn't a door separating them from Echo.  
  
She couldn't really explain it, but she'd never gotten a good or welcoming vibe from Echo. She wasn't sure if it was just all in her head, or if there really was something more to it. Oh well. Echo would be graduating and moving on with her life at the end of the semester. All Clarke had to do was last a few more months with her. But she couldn't deny that the comments rubbed her the wrong way. Echo probably knew they would.  
  
Raven was standing at the top of the staircase, watching as Murphy and Shaw carried boxes out the front door. On the way back inside, one of the girls brought Shaw a water bottle.  
  
"God, she is so thirsty" Raven said, still staring.  
  
"Who? Roma?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"For what?" Clarke asked, "Giving Shaw a water bottle?"  
  
"No, I-I mean" Raven stuttered. "Never mind."  
  
Clarke raised an eyebrow but kept her mouth shut. Miles Shaw was a member of Alpha Sigma. He was also Raven's new chemistry partner. In the few weeks since spring classes had started, Clarke had listened to quite a few rants about how hard headed and annoying he was. Or so Raven said.  
  
"Let's go to the library and study for a while" Raven said. "We can have a late afternoon run instead of a morning one today."  
  
"Do we have to have one at all?"  
  
"Yes Clarke. That was the deal. At least once a week. Otherwise I might kill someone."  
  
"Well, hopefully it's your chemistry partner and not Roma."  
  
Clarke stiffed a laugh at the glare Raven threw her way.  
  
Interesting.

* * *

 

"Raven my lungs are going to explode" Clarke huffed.  
  
"We're jogging" Raven said from beside her on the track, "and we're going slow."  
  
"Not slow enough."  
  
The air was cold but it burnt her throat as she attempted to keep up with her best friend. Clarke was ready to rip her black hoodie off, despite the weather. Jogging really was the worst.  
  
"Hey! Griffin!"  
  
Clarke stopped, secretly grateful that she had a reason to, and glanced around for the source.  
  
Bellamy Blake had parted from the group of boys in the field beside the track. And he was making his way towards her.  
  
"Why is Bellamy Blake calling your name?" Raven asked.  
  
"I have no idea" Clarke said, growing a little nervous.  
  
"Do you have a minute?" he asked, joining them on the track.  
  
Clarke glanced at Raven, who looked as confused as Clarke felt, before nodding.  
  
"Yeah, sure."  
  
"Just catch up to me when you're done" Raven said before taking off.  
  
Once she was out of earshot, Clarke turned to face Bellamy, wondering why on earth he was talking to her.  
  
His hair was shorter than it was last semester. Little pieces of his dark hair were sticking to his forehead. His cheeks were flushed. She glanced behind him and noticed some of the boys passing a soccer ball back and forth.  
  
"Look, I'm flattered, really" he said, "but it's not gonna happen."  
  
"Uh, what?" she asked, bringing her attention back to him.  
  
He had on a plain white short-sleeved shirt, despite the cold, and Clarke couldn't help but appreciate the way it fit him. It was a little distracting. She wasn't sure why she was even paying attention to the little details like the shirt or the hair or the way his lips didn't look like they were suffering in the cold, unlike hers.  
  
He reached into the pocket of his sweat pants and unfolded what looked like a letter.  
  
_Oh, fuck._  
  
In that very moment, she felt like her heart stopped. She wasn't sure if she wanted to throw up, or pass out, or run away. Or all three, simultaneously.  
  
"I've just got a lot going on with Echo" he said, holding the letter up between two fingers, "and while I am glad that you like my freckles and my smile..." he smirked, "I just don't think it's gonna work out."  
  
Clarke opened her mouth to say something, to say anything, but her throat felt so dry and she still wasn't sure if she was going to throw up.  
  
_How? How? How?_  
  
_What the FUCK?_  
  
"Where did-where did you get that?" she finally managed to choke out. Her voice sounded raspy and squeaky at the same time.  _Oh, fuck_. She was totally going to pass out.  
  
"Murphy brought it to me this morning" he said.  
  
"Murphy?"

"Yeah" he said, tucking the letter back into his pocket. "And like I said, I just- I don't think I can-"  
  
"Let me stop you right there" she said, wishing that the ground would swallow her whole or maybe a meteor would crush them both that instant, "I wrote that a long time ago. I-you weren't even supposed to see that. So-"  
  
_Wait. How the fuck did Murphy find that?_  
  
She stopped talking, mid sentence and mentally retraced her steps. She'd left the box under her bed the night before. Hadn't she? How could he have possibly found it?  
  
_Oh my god, what about the others?_  
  
Bellamy raised an eyebrow, oblivious to the mental breakdown that she was seconds away from having.  
  
"Oh my god" she said, leaning forward and placing her hands on her knees. "Oh my god."  
  
"What?" he asked, "You okay?"  
  
"Clarke!"  
  
They both turned and saw Finn making his way onto the field beside them. And to Clarke's horror, he was holding a letter.  
  
"Oh my fucking god!"  
  
"What? What is it?" Bellamy asked.  
  
"I-I-fuck" Clarke panicked, glancing around.  
  
"What the hell is going on here, Griffin?"  
  
Finn had a letter. He had  _her_  fucking letter. Her horribly sappy proclamation of love. He had her letter and her life was about to be ruined. Why the hell did she write it?  
  
"I think I'm gonna pass out" she said, standing up straight and placing her hand on her head. "Yeah, I'm totally gonna pass out right now."  
  
"Hey, it's alright" Bellamy said, reaching forward and placing a hand on her side to steady her.  
  
Finn was still coming towards them. He looked confused. He looked...excited. _Oh, god. How the hell to do I explain this to Raven? How can I get out of this now?_  
  
"What's going on-" Bellamy started, looking down at her.  
  
And because she wasn't really thinking about what would happen as a result of her actions, because she was only thinking about getting out of the current shit storm her letter would put her in-  
  
she stood on her tiptoes and kissed Bellamy Blake.  
  
She wasn't sure why but he didn't pull away. In fact, his hand slid from her side to her back and held her in place. The pressure of it held her a little closer to him. His lips kissed hers back. And when she opened her eyes his were still closed and his hand was still there, firmly holding her to him, though she wasn't sure why.  
  
She peeked to the side and noticed Finn had already started walking away from them. When she looked back at Bellamy, he was watching her watch Finn go.  
  
He raised both eyebrows.  
  
"I am so, _so_  sorry" she said, stepping away from the hold he had on her. And because she really didn't think she could talk to him, or look at him, or breathe in his vicinity, she turned on the spot and ran after Raven.

* * *

 

Clarke stormed into her room and dropped to her knees to look under her bed. She pulled out empty water bottles, a pair of jeans, old textbooks, more empty water bottles. But no box.  
  
_Oh my god_.  
  
Where was the _fucking_  box?  
  
"What are you looking for?" Raven asked, heading towards the bathroom to shower.  
  
Clarke glanced underneath the bed one more time, only to find exactly what she'd been expecting: nothing. No box. No letters.  
  
"I-I had a small box underneath my bed" she said, placing a hand over her heart. She wondered if it kept beating as fast as it was now, would she go into cardiac arrest and die?  
  
"What kind of box?" Raven asked, slipping her shirt over her shoulders.  
  
"It was-" Clarke started.  
  
_Oh my god. The donations._  
  
"Raven" she said slowly, "how many boxes did you put outside of the door this morning? For the donations?"  
  
"I put the medium ones in the hall" she said, "but Murphy got the smaller ones in the room. Why?"  
  
"Did you see how many he had?"  
  
"No" Raven said. "What's going on, Clarke? What's missing?"  
  
Clarke sat back and leaned her head against the wall.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah" she said, standing up, "I-I just think I might have misplaced something."  
  
It would be better for Raven to hear it from her instead of Finn, of course. But she couldn't bring herself to say it. Not just yet.  
  
"Go ahead and shower" Clarke said, "I-I'll see you a little later. I forgot I had something to do."  
  
Clarke ran down the stairs. Somehow she felt more sweaty now than during her run. So, the letters were out. But how the hell did Murphy find that box? Did he go digging under her bed? Why would he do that? And more importantly, why the hell would he send the letters out?  
  
He must have personally handed the letters to Finn and Bellamy. What did he do with the other three?  
  
Not like it mattered. Lexa, Wells and Niylah were no longer in her life. Lexa wasn't even in the freaking country. Clarke mentally punched herself for actually addressing the letters to the last known addresses of all three. What had she gotten herself into? She was going to kill Murphy.  
  
She was almost at Alpha Sigma when she stopped dead in her tracks. What if Bellamy answered the door? Or worse, what if _Finn_  answered the door?  
  
She quickly turned on her heel and ran back to Delta Nu. She would just have to find Murphy on campus on Monday morning and kill him there instead. There was absolutely no way she could talk to Bellamy or Finn right now.

When Raven got out of the shower, Clarke was already waiting by the door with her bag of toiletries.  
  
"Everything okay?"  
  
"Yeah" Clarke lied. She hated lying to Raven. But she wasn't ready to come clean just yet because she was sure that her little letter would ruin their friendship forever. Clarke was not ready for that. And it wasn't just because Raven was one of the few friends she had. Raven was special. "I figured it out."  
  
Her hands were still shaking with nerves by the time she got out of the shower.  
  
A familiar little  _ding_  told her she had a new text message.  
  
_Finn 5:28pm: Can we talk?_  
  
She really, really did not want to talk to him. But he obviously hadn't told Raven yet. And honestly, sending him a quick text sounded a lot more appealing than talking to him face to face.  
  
_Clarke 5:29pm: What's up?_  
  
_Finn 5:29pm: I got your letter._  
  
Clarke considered playing dumb. But she wasn't sure how much good that would do. She figured it was better to bite the bullet and deal with the consequences of her stupid coping mechanism.  
  
_Clarke 5:32pm: I am SO sorry about that. But I wrote that a while ago. Please just forget about it._  
  
_Finn 5:32pm: So you don't feel that way anymore?_  
  
Clarke hated that the words sent a wave of hope through her.  _No, absolutely not, Clarke. Raven is your best friend.  
_  
_Clarke 5:33pm: No. It was a stupid little crush. I'm really sorry._  
  
He didn't reply right away and it made her extremely nervous. What was he thinking? What was he going to do? Would he make things weird between them? Would he tell Raven? Should she tell Raven?  
  
By the time he replied, she was fully dressed and biting her nails down to stubs.  
  
_Finn 5:45pm: Don't be._  
  
_Finn 5:45pm: Can we talk about this in person? I kinda need to tell you something, too._  
  
That sounded like a horrible idea. And because she could not think of a valid excuse, she left him on read. She needed a little space, a little time to think. Most of the girls were home so there was too much chatter. Too many sounds coming from the kitchen. Too much laughter.  
  
Her options were limited since she didn't have her own car. She didn't like asking to borrow one of her sisters'. She didn't like driving in general. It terrified her.  
  
Eventually she found herself on campus in the library. There were a lot of empty tables since it was Saturday night and most people were out partying and hanging out with their friends. There were only a couple others there with her but even so the table she picked was in the corner, wedged between two tall bookcases.

She placed her laptop and her anatomy book on the table but she didn't even humor the idea that she would actually study. She didn't come to the library for that. She came so that she could think, in peace and quiet, about how to keep her life in order.  
  
She put her head in her hands.  
  
Why on earth did she decide to write letters to her crushes in the first place? Now it made no sense. How the hell did she ever even think that was a good idea?  
  
The ones to Wells, Niylah and Lexa weren't really that bothersome. Wells already knew she'd had a crush on him. Niylah most likely didn't even remember who Clarke was. And Lexa was out of the country.  
  
As for Bellamy...well, that letter could bring it's own storm. If anyone actually thought she was crushing on Bellamy, the president of Alpha and Echo's very complicated maybe-boyfriend, she would never live it down. Especially since Bellamy probably couldn't even remember her first name.  
  
Finn's letter was, by far, the one most capable of ruining her life. Not only would she lose Raven, she would be hated by her sorority sisters if they ever found out. Her friendship with Finn would probably end, too.  
  
_Maybe not_  a sneaky little voice in her head whispered.  
  
_No, no, absolutely not!  
_  
No matter how nice Finn was to her, no matter how funny and charming and friendly he was...no matter how much she loved the way his eyes brightened when he smiled...no matter how great he was.... _oh my god, stop.  
_  
She was so fucked.  
  
Despite how much she liked him, she would never, could  _never_  do that to Raven.  
  
She felt like crying as she laid her head down onto the table.  
  
"Is this seat taken?"  
  
Her head snapped up.  
  
Bellamy stood in front of her table, leaning against the bookshelf. Smiling.

"Yes" she said, feeling heat crawl up her neck and settle in her cheeks.  
  
"Yeah?" he said, "By who?"  
  
"Me" she said, still avoiding his gaze. She opened her laptop and began leafing through her textbook, mostly for something to do.  
  
"So first you write me a love letter" he said, pulling out the chair directly across from her and taking a seat, "then you kiss me, and now you won't even let me sit beside you? I'm a little hurt, Griffin."  
  
"What the hell do you want, Bellamy?" she sighed, finally looking at him.  
  
"And explanation would be nice."  
  
She shrugged. She really, really didn't feel like talking about it.  
  
"What are you even doing here?" she asked. "It's Saturday night. Shouldn't you be at a party? Drinking beer? Possibly snorting crushed pills?"  
  
"Damn" he said, cocking his head to the side, "that's a little rough, don't you think?"  
  
"Not really" she said, shrugging her shoulders.  
  
"I actually came to see what was up with you" he said. "Raven said you were here."  
  
That was strange. Then again, she did send him a love letter, almost pass out in front of him, kiss him, and then proceed to run away. So really, it wasn't strange. She was strange.  
  
"Like I said, I'm flattered" he started, "but I'm not really looking for-"  
  
"Please stop" she said, holding her hand up. She was  _not_  about to be turned down over a letter she wrote years ago. "I told you, I wrote that a long time ago."  
  
"So why did you get so upset about it?" he asked, leaning back in his chair, "Why did you kiss me today?"  
  
"It's a long story."  
  
"I'm a great listener" he said, flashing her a half-smile.  
  
"I don't really feel like talking about it."  
  
"Why?" he asked, "Because you can't think of a lie quick enough?"  
  
"Shut up, Bellamy" she said, "I'm not lying."  
  
"Then tell me."  
  
"I kissed you because-because you weren't the only one I wrote a letter to. I wrote one, recently, to someone else and they somehow got it too. They had the letter and I panicked so I kissed you so that they wouldn't think I really liked them but-" she stopped herself from continuing the story. She was about to reveal too much. Why the hell was she even talking to him about it? Was she that desperate for a friend?  
  
"Who is it?"  
  
"I am  _not_  telling you-"  
  
"Wait" he said, leaning forward in his chair. "This morning, right before you kissed me, Finn Collins was headed towards us, wasn't he?"  
  
_Oh, fuck._  
  
She worked on making her face impassive but there was nothing she could do about the pink tinge to her cheeks that only deepened at the mention of Finn.  
  
"Isn't he dating your friend Raven though?" Bellamy asked.  
  
Clarke looked away.  
  
"Oh, shit" he said, leaning onto the table. "It's Finn, isn't it?"  
  
"No, I-"  
  
"Wow, Griffin" he said, now definitely smiling, "I didn't take you for a boyfriend stealer."  
  
"I am not a boyfriend stealer" Clarke snapped, glaring at him. "Raven is my best friend. I would  _never_ -"  
  
"Chill out" Bellamy started, "I was-"  
  
But the comment made stupid tears form behind her eyes and she would be damned if Bellamy Blake ever saw her cry.

She stood up and quickly packed her things.  
  
"Come on, don't go, I was just kidding I swear."  
  
She grabbed her backpack and made her way out of the library as quickly as possible. That was  _exactly_  what her life would be like if Raven, or anyone else, ever found out about the letter she'd written to Finn. She had a hard enough time making friends now. If people found out she was in love with her best friends boyfriend, who the hell would want to befriend her?  
  
"Griffin!"  
  
She kept walking.  
  
Bellamy quickly caught up to her, blocking her path. She was only a short walk away from the privacy and comfort of her room.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm sorry, okay?" he said, "I was just kidding. I know you're not that type of girl."  
  
"Okay, fine" she said. "Now bye."  
  
She went to go around him but he reached for her hand, stopping her. She glanced up at him with surprise and curiosity. Why the hell would Bellamy Blake grab her hand?  
  
"Let me walk you home."  
  
"No thank you" she said, snatching her hand away.  
  
"Okay, well" he said, falling into step beside her, "let me walk home with you?" he suggested, flashing her a smile she was sure got him more than he deserved.  
  
"It's a free country. Walk wherever the hell you want. Off a cliff, for all I care."  
  
"Wow" he said again, "you are a lot more feisty than I remember you being."  
  
_That's probably because you don't remember me at all._  
  
She stayed quiet but he continued to walk beside her.  
  
"So" he began, "how many letters were there?"  
  
She didn't want to talk to him about anything but it's not like she had anyone else she could talk to about the current state of her life.  
  
"Five."  
  
"Five?" he questioned, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk. "And here I thought I was special."  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes. She was sure that most people found him charming. Not her. Nope. She kept walking.  
  
"So who else go one?"  
  
"No one you know" she said. "Like I told you, I wrote them a long time ago."  
  
"But the one you wrote Finn was recent, wasn't it?"  
  
She stayed quiet.  
  
"Damn" he said, "must be tough."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Being in love with your best friends man" he said, "I mean, I feel for you. That's got to hurt. Especially since you're always third wheeling with them."  
  
How the hell did he know that?  
  
"Can you please stop talking about it?"  
  
"What are you going to do, though?" he asked. She was taken aback by the sudden change in his tone. The slightly caring look in his eyes. "Raven will be crushed. And Finn isn't-"  
  
"I told him it was old" she said, "I-I said that I didn't feel that way anymore so Raven doesn't really have to find out. I just need-"  
  
"But that's not true, is it?" he asked.  
  
They were turning onto the street where both their chapter houses resided. They would have to part ways soon and Clarke was glad for it. She wasn't even sure why they were still talking.  
  
"So you kissed me" he said, "to make him think that it really was old? That you were over it?"  
  
"Yeah" she said, looking down at her feet. She was still pretty embarrassed about the kiss.  
  
They walked the rest of the way in silence. Clarke snuck a quick look at Bellamy. His brows were furrowed like he was mulling over all that she had told him. She looked away, wondering if she had just made a huge mistake by owning up to how she felt. What if he told someone?  _Oh, god, what if he tells Echo?_  She would definitely tell Raven.  
  
"Bellamy-" she said, stopping him as he began to cross the street, "please don't tell anyone."  
  
He flashed her another smile. There was a little mischief in his eyes. Like maybe he knew something she didn't.  
  
"I won't" he said. "You can always trust me, Griffin."  
  
He crossed the street and Clarke watched him go for a couple of seconds before making her way inside. She sincerely doubted that she could ever trust Bellamy Blake. With anything. She wouldn't be surprised if everyone knew what a horrible person she was by morning.

* * *

 

"So, do you wanna thank me now or later?"  
  
She had gone to the library after Sunday brunch with her Delta Nu sisters. They were required to attend, every Sunday morning at 11am sharp. And they had to look presentable too. That was a lot harder for some of the girls that liked to stay out late and party. For Clarke, it usually wasn't an issue. But they had an "open discussion" policy for their Sunday brunches. Meaning that Echo and anyone else could use to opportunity to express frustration, or basically call out one of their sisters. The idea was that the open discussion would put all their issues on the table and they could walk away feeling closer. To Clarke, it was only another way to start drama.  
  
She glanced up from her book, actually studying today, to find Bellamy taking the seat across from her.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Do you ever do anything besides sit at the library? And go on dates with Finn and Raven?"  
  
She narrowed her eyes.  
  
"Okay, okay" he said, holding his hands up, "kidding, I swear."  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"I think I've found a way to solve your little problem" he said, leaning forward to prop his elbows onto the table.  
  
He had on a light grey fleece jacket over another white t-shirt. His hair was sticking out at all different angles like he had just rolled out of bed. Which he probably had.  
  
"How?" she asked, "Did you build a time machine in your spare time instead of playing beer pong?"  
  
"First of all, I don't even _like_  beer pong" he said, "and secondly, no I did not build a time machine. But you won't need one."  
  
"Okay, well, lets hear it" she said, crossing her arms over her chest.  
  
"Well now I'm not sure if I want to help you or not. I'm not sure if you deserve to hear my idea."  
  
"Come on, Bellamy" she said, "I have to study."  
  
"Fine" he said. "So you need Finn to think that you're completely over him, which you're not. And the only way anyone else-if they found out about the letter- would believe you were actually not in love with your best friends boyfriend was if you had one of your own."  
  
"Well of course" she said, "but I'm not- I mean, I don't have a boyfriend."  
  
He leaned back into his chair, spreading his arms out.  
  
"You do now, baby."  
  
Her jaw dropped.  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Me, Griffin" he said, smirking at her. "I can pretend to be your boyfriend."  
  
"Wait" she said, feeling confused as shit, "why would you do that? I mean, what's in it for you?"  
  
"Well, you know Echo and I have been having issues for a while now."  
  
"That's an understatement."  
  
He shot her a glare.  
  
"Anyway, last time we fought she said she wanted a break. That maybe we should see other people. And then she fucked some older dude and now they're dating" he said. "But yesterday, someone told her that I kissed someone else and she freaked out."  
  
"So?"  
  
"I don't want to end things with her" he said, "I want her. I want her back. So I need to make her jealous."  
  
"So your plan is to use me to get back together with Echo?"  
  
"Yeah" he said, "and you can use me to save face."  
  
"There is just one tiny little problem with that idea" Clarke said.  
  
"Which is?"  
  
"Uh, Echo would literally  _kill_  me?"  
  
How stupid was he? It was a good idea, having a pretend boyfriend. But him?  
  
"No, she won't" Bellamy said.

"Yes she will. That is the worst idea I've ever heard" Clarke said, shaking her head. "She would kill me. Or at the very least, make my life at Delta Nu living hell."  
  
"She won't" Bellamy repeated. "You know how she is. She would never admit to being jealous. She'd never do anything to make people think she was. And you're the only legacy this year at Delta Nu. She knows that you're important to the house. And it doesn't hurt that your mom is one of their bigger, more well known benefactors."  
  
_Wait, how does he know all of that?_  Why did he know all of that?  
  
"But going out with out sisters exes is frowned upon at Delta Nu" Clarke protested.  
  
"Is it worse than being in love with your sisters current boyfriend?" he questioned, raising an eyebrow. "And besides, I can tell you for a fact that a lot of your Delta sisters have gone for the same guy. I know I've been with a couple of them myself. They won't really care-"  
  
"But you're-" she started to say but thought better of it. He did not need any more confidence. Or a bigger head.  
  
"I can ask her first" he said, "I won't name you. But I can give her a heads up and see how she feels about it."  
  
"And if she says no? Or say she gets jealous right away and wants to get back together? What then?"  
  
"Then I will personally find someone else you can trust enough to help" he said.  
  
She mulled it over for a few minutes. Having a boyfriend would definitely help with the whole Finn/letter situation. And it would probably get a few people off of her back, like Raven. It could cause some tension with Echo. But there was already tension there anyway. And Bellamy was right, to some extent. Clarke had been guaranteed a spot in Delta Nu since she'd decided to go to college. And Echo had too much pride, too much confidence to actually succumb to jealousy.  
  
"I don't know" she said, worrying her bottom lip. There was so much to consider.  
  
"Oh, come on" he said, "we can kill two birds with one stone."  
  
She just couldn't believe that he actually wanted to? Why would he even care enough to want to help her?  
  
"If I said yes" she started, "we would definitely have to set some ground rules."  
  
"Of course" he said, smiling like he'd already won her over. "Whatever you want."  
  
"You have to tell Finn that we've been talking" she said, "that I've had a crush on you for a while."  
  
"I can do that."

That would help, tremendously. Finn still wanted to talk about it. The " _I kinda need to tell you something, too_ " scared her but this was the perfect way to guarantee he wouldn't. If she had a boyfriend, he would have no choice but to believe her. Of course she wasn't in love with her best friends boyfriend, why would she be, when she had a boyfriend of her own?  
  
"Okay" she said, nodding, "lets do it."  
  
She really, really hoped she wouldn't regret this.  
  
She ripped a piece of paper out of her notebook and began writing on it.  
  
Bellamy stood up and sat back down in the chair right beside hers, watching her write.  
  
CONTRACT:  
  
_1\. No touching/kissing. Occasional hugs are okay._  
  
"What? Who's gonna believe us if I can't even kiss you?" Bellamy protested.  
  
Clarke wasn't even sure why he wanted to. But that was a definite no for her.  
  
"And no touching either?" he asked. "Okay, why don't you just add in  _Can't speak to, or look at one another_  as well?"  
  
"I clearly wrote that occasional hugs were okay. What more do you want?"  
  
"Uh, anything that might actually convince people we're together?"  
  
She studied him. Okay, so maybe kissing him wasn't that bad. But that was exactly why she shouldn't do it again. She might develop a fondness for it.  
  
"Fine" she said, "you can put your hand in my back pocket."  
  
"What the hell does that mean?" he asked, "Is that some new terminology for-"  
  
"It means" she interrupted, "when we are on campus together, you can literally put your hand in my back pocket. Haven't you ever seen Sixteen Candles?"  
  
"How generous of you" he said, rolling his eyes, "and no, I haven't."  
  
_2\. Watch Sixteen Candles_  
  
He had his arm around her chair, leaning in to watch her write. He obviously didn't understand the concept of personal space very well.  
  
_3\. We tell no one_  
  
"No one else can know about this" she said.  
  
"First rule of fight club" Bellamy said back, smiling a little.  
  
"Don't talk about fight club" Clarke said, "I know."  
  
"You've seen Fight Club?"

"Of course I have."  
  
"Hm."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing" Bellamy said. "You just don't seem like the Fight Club type."  
  
"Well" she started, getting back to the rules "you don't know me very well."  
  
"I guess not" he said.  
  
Clarke glanced at him. For some reason, he had a goofy grin on his face.  
  
"Anything else?" she asked, nodding towards the paper.  
  
He stayed quiet for a few minutes, thinking.  
  
"You have to come out with me for spring break."  
  
"Oh no" she said, "absolutely not."  
  
She had already heard _plenty_  about their spring break trips.  
  
"Yes" he said. "That's my one condition."  
  
"You actually think we're still going to be keeping this up by the time spring break comes around?"  
  
"Relationships take work and compromise, Griffin."  
  
She resisted the urge to scoff. He was the last person she would ever take relationship advice from.  
  
_4\. We go on spring break together_  
  
Honestly, the only reason she even wrote the rule down was because she was positive that they definitely wouldn't be keeping this charade up for that long.  
  
"Anything else?"  
  
"Don't fall in love with me" he said.  
  
"You're seriously quoting _A Walk to Remember_  right now?"  
  
"Damn, you've seen that movie too?" he asked, cocking his head to the side.  
  
"Of course I have" she said. "I just can't believe you have, too."  
  
"What can I say?" he said, "I'm secretly a hopeless romantic."  
  
"I sincerely doubt that's true" Clarke said. "Anything else? Seriously this time?"  
  
"One more thing" he said, "we have to do something romantic for one another every few days, okay?"  
  
"Why?"

"Because -and please don't be offended by this- people are not going to believe we are actually together unless we show them we are. I mean, I'm a senior. I'm president. I've been captain of both the lacrosse and soccer teams. I attend a lot of social events. I'm attractive and I'm humble enough to admit it. And you're-"  
  
"Please stop" she said, holding her hand up. "Because I'm almost positive that you are about to offend me and I think it's a little too early in this  _fake_  relationship for a fight."  
  
"I wasn't gonna say anything mean" he said, "and everything I wanted to say is true. You're not very outgoing. You're not very involved in Greek or campus life in general. You're pretty but you-"  
  
"Do we need to break up?"  
  
"Alright" he said, sighing. "Even so, I expect some romance, Griffin."  
  
_5.Do romantic things for one another_  
  
"We'll see" she said, "what are you doing here anyway?"  
  
"I came to see you, silly" he said. "What are we doing today?"  
  
"We are not doing anything. I have to study, and you have to talk to Echo, remember?" she reminded him.  
  
"Alright. Let me see your phone."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Just hand it over, Griffin."  
  
She cautiously handed her phone over to him.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"Just putting my number in" he said. "Send me a copy of your schedule."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"So that we can meet up between classes or something" he said, handing her phone back. "I've gotta get going."  
  
He rose from the chair and started to leave, only to turn back on the spot and glance at her.  
  
"See you later" he said, winking.  
  
So maybe this wasn't her smartest idea. But it was better than the alternative. Wasn't it?

* * *

On Monday morning, Clarke stepped out into the cold morning air. Her class didn't start for another hour. It would take her less than 15 minutes to get to the actual classroom. But she liked being early. She liked having time to go over her notes from the previous class. She liked not having people stare at her as she walked in.  
  
_Raven 07:44am: Uh, why is Bellamy Blake asking me about your location? AGAIN? And why was he waiting to walk to class with you? WHAT IS GOING ON?_  
  
Clarke bit her bottom lip. She wanted to tell Raven the night before, really. She did. But she couldn't really think of how to start the conversation. And she wasn't sure if Raven would believe her.  
  
_Raven 07:45 am: He's walking with me instead? Should I even ask?  
_  
_Clarke 07:45am: Please don't ask him anything, okay? We're...we're kinda talking I guess?  
_  
_Raven 07:46am: Oh my god. Since when??? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?  
_  
_Clarke 07:46am: Because it's still kinda new. I'm not ready for people to know just yet. You know how complicated his whole thing with Echo is.  
_  
_Raven 07:47am: Do you like him??_  
  
God, Clarke already hated this conversation.  
  
_Clarke 07:49am: Yeah. I do. I like him._  
  
Raven never replied. Clarke tried to focus on her lecture. But halfway through, she couldn't resist the urge to check her phone.  
  
_Raven 08:03am: MEET ME ON THE BLEACHERS RIGHT AFTER YOUR CLASS! YOU ARE GONNA FREAKING DIE!!!_  
  
_Oh, fuck._  Clarke felt her stomach drop. What the hell did she mean?  _Oh my god, did Bellamy tell her?_  Could he have just been pretending? Could he have set up this whole lets-fake-date-to-get-you-out-of-a-shitty-situation thing just to fuck with her?  
She anxiously watched the clock, hoping that it would slow down. That time would stop all together.  
  
She was preparing her apology, digging her nails into her palms, trying not to cry as she made her way towards the bleachers. She and Raven met there between class whenever it wasn't raining.  
  
"You  _little_  tramp!"  
  
She felt like dying.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me you've been secretly talking to Bellamy for weeks now?" Raven exclaimed, smiling mischievously.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Secret's out of the bag" Raven said, pulling Clarke onto the bleachers. "Bellamy told me this morning that you guys have been texting. And that you've been meeting him at the library."  
  
"Oh" Clarke said, placing a hand over her heart.  _Thank god_. "Oh, yeah. We have."  
  
"And I swore that I wasn't going to say anything" she said, lowering her voice, "but he totally told me that he was going to ask you out today. Like, out out?"  
  
"Oh, wow, really?"  
  
"Yes!" Raven exclaimed, "Clarke, I am so excited for you. Are you nervous? You're gonna say yes, right?"

"Uh, yeah" Clarke said, "I think so."  
  
She had a hard time faking excitement because she mostly felt relieved that Raven didn't actually  _want_  to kill her.  
  
"You're a brave one" Raven said, "you know Echo's gonna be pissed. Bold move, Clarke."  
  
"So should I say no?"  
  
"What?" Raven exclaimed, "Of course you've gotta say yes."  
  
"But what if Echo-"  
  
"She's the one who broke up with him, remember?" Raven asked. "And besides, she was totally talking shit about him last night. She's actually going out with some older dude now. Roan something."  
  
"Yeah but she and Bellamy-"  
  
"Do not make a good couple" Raven finished for her. "I agree. That's exactly why you need to jump on that opportunity before someone else does."  
  
Clarke only nodded.  
  
"I've gotta go to class" Raven said, grabbing her backpack and making her way off the bleachers. "Text me later. And please, please say yes to Bellamy. We could totally double date and stuff."  
  
That sounded absolutely awful. No way in hell she would ever agree to that.  
  
"Yeah" Clarke said, "sure. That sounds like fun."

* * *

 

Clarke stayed on campus until her next class, using the opportunity to go over the notes from this mornings lecture. She hadn't been able to pay attention because she was a bit preoccupied with the text Raven had sent about killing her.  
  
She was on the way to her next lecture when she received a text from Bellamy.  
  
_Bellamy 11:50am: Meet me on the track?_  
  
_Clarke 11:50am: Can't. Heading to lecture right now._  
  
_Bellamy 11:51am: See, if I would of had your schedule (like I asked you for) then I would have known that. And I wouldn't be out here waiting for you._  
  
_Clarke 11:51am: I didn't ask you to. I'll send you a picture of my schedule AFTER my class._  
  
_Bellamy 11:51am: You're kinda mean._  
  
_Clarke 11:52am: Get used to it_.  
  
He responded with an emoji. The little one with a smile and heart eyes. She didn't respond at all. Instead, she put her phone in her backpack. She needed to focus.  
  
As soon as she spotted Murphy in the back of the class, she felt engulfed in rage. She had planned on confronting him but she decided against it. If she made a big deal about the letters then maybe that would tip him off about her relationship with Bellamy. But that didn't stop her from channeling all her anger in a nasty glare.

* * *

 

"Finally" Bellamy said, once he saw her making her way towards him.  
  
He was sitting in the middle of grassy field inside of the track, reading a book.  
  
"I told you I had class" she said. "Class I actually need to go to."  
  
"Are you implying that I don't go to my classes?"  
  
"I don't know" she said, "do you?"  
  
"Sometimes" he shrugged.  
  
"So, what's up?" she asked, sitting down beside him.  
  
"I talked to Echo" he said. "I told her I wanted to ask a Delta Nu out. She said fine."  
  
"Really?" Clarke wondered, "Is that all?"  
  
"Well, she said fine but she looked a little pissed."  
  
"Did she ask who?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"And?"  
  
He sighed.  
  
"I told her it was you and..." he trailed off.  
  
"And?"  
  
"She laughed" he said. "She said, and I quote, ' _Yes, please ask her out. She needs a date. She also needs a haircut and a new wardrobe and a personality. But let's start with the date_ '."  
  
_Ouch._  
  
Okay. That hurt a little. She typically didn't care what people like Echo said about her but she was only human. She had feelings.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"What?" Clarke asked, shaking her head. She felt like she might have zoned out while she was trying to pretend that Echo's words didn't hurt her feelings. "Oh, yeah. Fine. I don't care what she thinks."  
  
"You shouldn't" he said.

"Why? You obviously do."  
  
"That's complicated" he said, shrugging his shoulders. "We have a very, uh, complicated relationship."  
  
"Complicated, yeah" she said, rolling her eyes. "That's one word for it."  
  
"Why are you so judgmental?" he asked. "Have you ever even had a serious boyfriend?"  
  
She narrowed her eyes.  
  
"Wait, have you ever even had a boyfriend?"  
  
"I-well, the thing is- I,-"  
  
"Oh my god" he said, "you've never even had a boyfriend. Why?"  
  
"What do you mean why?" she snapped, "Plenty of people have never had serious romantic relationships. More people than you think."  
  
"But why though?"  
  
"I guess no one has ever liked me" she said, looking away and pulling at the grass underneath her. "Not like that, anyway."

"That's not true" he said, "I know for a fact that Sterling from rush week, the one who didn't get in, asked you out. And you said no. Why?"  
  
"Why do you even know that?"  
  
"Don't avoid the question" he said.  
  
"I don't know, okay?" she said, "Can you just drop it?"  
  
"Alright" he said. "Ready to get going?"  
  
"Where?"  
  
"Home, Griffin" he said, standing up and extending his hand.  
  
She begrudingly took it. They walked home in almost silence. But he did ask her a random question occasionally, like what her favorite color was or if she preferred winter over summer.  
  
"Why are you even asking me these things?" she asked, once they turned to corner onto the street where their houses waited for them.  
  
"Because I should know these things about my girlfriend, silly."  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes.  
  
There were people out and about, walking to and from class. Besides their own, there were three other Greek houses that resided in their vicinity.  
  
People who definitely noticed them walking together. Especially after Bellamy randomly let out a fake laugh and draped an arm about her neck, pulling her closer afterwards.  
  
"See you later" he said, winking again.  
  
Clarke avoided the stares coming from some of her sisters who happened to see her with Bellamy.

* * *

 

Her week passed quickly. News of her relationship with Bellamy Blake spread like wildfire.  
  
Suddenly, people she didn't know were saying hello to her. People she didn't know were staring at her. She had a boyfriend that liked to walk her to and from campus, all the while keeping his hand in her back pocket. And on the days she wore leggings (no pockets) just to spite him, he slung an arm around her shoulders or her waist. Probably just to get back at her for the lack of a pocket.  
  
On Friday morning, she was headed to the little Java Hut on campus after her lecture to meet Raven for coffee when she ran into Finn for the first time since he'd received her letter.  
  
"Hey" he said. "I feel like I haven't seen you all week."  
  
_That's because I've been avoiding you._  
  
"I know" she said, "I've just been so busy."  
  
"Where are you headed?"  
  
"I'm having coffee with Raven" she said, undoing her hair from it's braid. It was her safety blanket and she needed it right now.  
  
"Can I walk with you?"  
  
"Sure" she said.  
  
It was almost impossible to look him in the eyes. Every time she did, she would think about that  _stupid_  fucking letter she wrote.  
  
"So what's this I hear about you and Bellamy Blake?"

There was a strange, skeptical edge to his voice.  
  
"What have you heard?"  
  
"That, uh, that you guys are apparently together now?"  
  
She nodded, keeping her lips sealed.  
  
"I can't believe it."  
  
"Why? Because he's popular and I'm not?" she asked, feeling a little annoyed. Almost everyone who had asked her about her new relationship had indicated, in some way, that it was unbelievable.  
  
"No, that's not it at all" he said, glancing over at her. "I just mean that I didn't really think he was your type. I didn't realize you were..." he paused, " _into_  guys like that."  
  
"Guys like what?"  
  
"Frat guys."  
  
"Finn, you're in a fraternity as well. You're his frat brother?"  
  
She mentally kicked herself. That kinda made it seam like she liked Finn, too.  
  
"Yeah but he's like the stereotypical frat guy though" he said. "He's an asshole. He doesn't care about anyone but himself."  
  
"Do you even know him very well?"  
  
"I've spent the past two years living with him" he said. "So trust me, I know him a lot better than you do."  
  
_Is he...jealous?_  
  
Unfortunately the prospect of him being jealous made her excited. And then it made her upset. And then she remembered that she should not even be thinking about this.  
  
"Yeah, well" she shrugged.  
  
"Well what?" Finn said, kind of loudly, stopping in the middle of the hallway. A few people turned to glance at them. "Why are you even going out with him? He's probably just going to use you for sex. Or to get back at Echo. Or both."  
  
Okay, that hurt.  
  
Why the hell did she care so much? What others thought of her? She wasn't in high school anymore. Wasn't she supposed to be past that?  
  
"So you're saying that those are the only two reasons someone like him might actually like me?"  
  
"What? No-"

"That's what you're saying though. Like it's impossible that maybe, just maybe, he likes my personality? Or the way I look? Or-"  
  
"Clarke, I'm not-" Finn started, panicking now. He wasn't expecting her to get offended. Or actually stand up for herself. "Of course he could like you for those things. You've got a great personality. You're beautiful-"  
  
There were too many people watching.  
  
"I've really gotta go meet Raven."  
  
Why did he care anyway? He had an amazing girlfriend.  
  
_You know why_ , a tiny voice in her head whispered.

* * *

 It was 7pm on Friday night and Clarke was laying in her bed, reading. Not for class. But for her own enjoyment. There was a knock on her door. She opened it to find Bellamy Blake standing on the other side.  
  
"What the  _hell_  are you doing here, Bellamy?" she asked through clenched teeth, grabbing his t-shirt and pulling him into her room.  
  
"Just came to see my girl."  
  
"This is _not_  appropriate" she said, "and stop digging around."  
  
He'd opened the top drawer of her dresser and was about to peek inside before she pushed it closed. He turned around, glancing around her side of the room.  
  
"You really need to clean your room."  
  
"Okay, dad, I will."  
  
He laid down onto her tiny bed, leaving absolutely no room for her, and grabbed the book she was reading.  
  
"Hm. No one's ever called me dad before. I mean, not-"  
  
"Please don't finish that sentence" Clarke interrupted, "and don't lose my spot."  
  
"I won't" he said, laying the book onto his chest.  
  
"You really shouldn't be here, Bellamy."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because some of my sisters are already starting to give me snake eyes" she said, sitting down on Raven's bed. "And I know that Echo said okay, but if she sees you here-"  
  
"That's the point? I told you I wanted to make her jealous."  
  
"Well I don't like this" she said, "this is a little too close to her. Please don't come here again."  
  
"Seriously?" he asked, turning to lay on his side.  
  
"Seriously."  
  
She rose from her bed and searched her backpack for their contract. She grabbed a marker off of her desk and wrote the rule before showing it to him.  
  
_6\. Bellamy can't come to Delta Nu unless INVITED_  
  
She stuck the piece of paper in his face.  
  
"Fine" he sighed, getting up from the bed. He took the paper and stuck in back in her backpack. "Let's go" he said, grabbing her hand and pulling her across the room.  
  
"Wait!" she protested, but he ignored her, opening the door. "Bellamy! Where are we going?" He pulled her down the stairs. "Wait!"

When they reach the front door she figured that she should just give in.  
  
"I don't have any shoes and it's freezing!"  
  
The house was mostly empty. She hoped that the girls who had stayed home weren't listening, or watching.  
  
He opened the front door.  
  
Clarke let out a shriek when he grabbed her waist and literally threw her over his shoulder.  
  
"Bellamy! Put me down!" she yelled. But she felt a little unsteady because the only thing that kept her draped over his shoulder was the hold he had around her thighs.  
  
"You don't have any shoes on" he said.  
  
At some point she stopped spewing curses at him and wrapped her arms around his waist. Her long blonde hair almost touched the ground. She could feel all the blood going to her head as she wondered how on earth did end up being carried down a dark street, upside down, by her pretend-boyfriend? This was definitely not how she imagined her freshman year going.  
  
He eventually made it to the Kappa Sigma house and opened the door. A wave of  _hey's_  and  _who the hell is that_ 's hit them as he crossed the living room with Clarke still slung over his shoulder.  
  
He huffed up the stairs, opened another door, and eventually dropped her onto what she assumed was his bed. She kept her eyes closed for a couple of minutes, letting the blood drain back down her body.  
  
"Why the hell-" she started to say. But he chose that moment to lay down beside her.  
  
"What were you saying, before?"  
  
He smiled and she kinda felt like slapping him.  
  
"Why did you bring me here?"  
  
"You said I can't come to Delta Nu" he said. "Where the hell am I supposed to spend a quiet Friday night with my girlfriend?"  
  
She rolled her eyes, glancing around the room.  
  
"Is this your room?"

"Well, I didn't bring you to a strangers room to cuddle with you."  
  
"Cuddle with me?" she asked, "You do remember this is a fake relationship, right? And rule number one is no touching?"  
  
"Yeah" he said, "I remember. But we haven't spent any time together this week. And we're supposed to be dating now. All the people downstairs saw me bring you up here so people will be talking about it. But why not take the opportunity and cuddle?"  
  
"You're ridiculous."  
  
"Unless you have something better in mind?" he suggest, half smiling and batting his lashes.  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes and tried not to let her imagination run loose.  
  
She sat up and got out of bed.  
  
"What are you looking for?"  
  
"So you can snoop around my room" she said, opening a random drawer at his desk, "but I can't do the same?"  
  
"No" he said, "feel free to look around."  
  
His room was messy but everything had a place. There were too many books. Textbooks from new and old classes. Histories, mysteries and everything in between. There were old notebooks scribbled in almost illegible texts. There were random pieces of sports equipment around the room. A baseball bat in one corner. A soccer ball with grass stains right beside the door to his room. A standard boy room. Only with more books than she was expecting.  
  
She opened one of the smaller drawers on his desk and found it crammed with random items. A old watch. A couple documents. A framed picture of his sister, Octavia.  
  
Clarke turned around, found him watching her.  
  
She sat back down on the bed next to him.  
  
"So, how's Octavia?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"I asked about Octavia. You do remember that I used to be friends with her, right?"  
  
"Of course I do, Griffin" he said, propping up onto his elbow. "I don't really know how she is, honestly. She doesn't talk to me very much anymore."  
  
"But you guys used to be so close" Clarke said, leaning back into one of the pillows on his bed.  
  
"I know" he said. "But she just...she grew distant. Got her own life. People she's closer to, I guess. We still talk from time to time but..." he trailed off and looked away.  
  
She got the sense that she was treading into uncharted territory. That maybe his family was off limits for their fake-relationship talks.  
  
"Do you still talk to anyone from back home?" he asked, probably more to change the subject.  
  
"Not really, no."  
  
"Me either."  
  
Clarke sighed.  
  
"Wanna take a nap?"  
  
Clarke tried not to laugh.  
  
"A nap?" she questioned, "It's Friday night. Aren't you supposed to be at a party?"  
  
"It's too early for a party."  
  
"Well, I'm not sleepy."  
  
He rose from the bed and grabbed one of the books on his desk.  
  
"Here" he said, handing it to her. "Why don't you just continue reading for a bit?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
Bellamy laid back down beside her. Clarke pretended to read. She was nervous. This was the first time she'd ever even been in a boys bed.  
  
At some point Bellamy fell asleep and she felt comfortable enough to actually read the book he gave her. She leaned against the headboard and let her self slide down a little. But then he moved a little closer. So close that his head rested right beside her shoulder. And then he turned onto his side and wrapped his arm around her middle.  
  
She considered waking him up, or pulling herself from his hold. He was breaking their first rule.  
  
But she felt warm. And honestly? It felt nice to be held. Even if it wasn't out of real affection.

* * *

 

Clarke opened her eyes and stared at the unfamiliar ceiling for a couple seconds. She heard loud music and unfamiliar voices coming from downstairs. There was no one beside her.  
  
A door opened and her head snapped up, glancing around the room.  
  
"So you didn't wanna nap, huh?" Bellamy asked, smirking at her. He was standing in the doorway of his bathroom with wet hair and a pair of dark jeans. And that was it.  
  
"Oh, uh-" Clarke stammered, suddenly becoming interested in her surroundings. "Maybe it was this boring ass book you gave me. I mean, Siddhartha? Who wouldn't fall asleep?"  
  
He laughed and for a reason she didn't quite understand, Clarke blushed a little harder. She tried not to stare as he made his way across the room to his closet. She let herself peek at him when she was sure that his back was turned. Okay, so, she had thought that him looking like that was just a bonus to their whole fake-dating deal. But she now realized that it might actually be a problem.  
  
"Let's go downstairs" he said, pulling a dark blue t-shirt over his head.  
  
"To the party?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Oh no" she said, "no thank you."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I don't really do parties" she said, "and besides, look at me."  
  
She had on a sweater that was two sizes too big, a pair of black leggings and dark green fuzzy socks. And her leggings were fucking tucked _into_  them. She was definitely not joining the party.  
  
"I think you look cute" he said.  
  
She shot him a glare but he didn't laugh or take the comment back.  
  
Suddenly his phone rang. It was still in the bed. Clarke grabbed it and looked at the screen. A picture of Echo with her name in bright letters flashed across the screen. The picture was pretty. Really pretty. She was smiling brightly. Her hair was wet and her shoulders were bare.  
  
A strange pang of something she didn't want to name (but could) grew in her stomach.  
  
"You wanna get this?" she asked, holding the phone out to him.  
  
He did.  
  
"Hey" he said. And then he went to the bathroom. For privacy.  
  
Clarke tried not to take it personally. They were in this for her to save face and for him to get back at Echo. She knew that going in.  
  
He came out a few minutes later.  
  
"So, you wanna go downstairs or not?"  
  
"No" Clarke said, "I-I just can't go down like this. And I sincerely doubt you want to introduce me to your friends when I look like this."  
  
"You are so ridiculous" he said, shaking his head a little.  
  
And then he left.  
  
_What the fuck?  
_  
He opened the door, stepped out, and left. _He freaking left!_  And she was stranded in his room. She would have to sneak out of his bedroom and try to get out of the house without being seen, which would be impossible, and walk home in her fucking socks. It wasn't a long walk but still. In her fucking  _green_  socks.  
  
He really was a dick.  
  
She hated that she kept forgetting that.  
  
She considered doing something to get back at him. Like maybe throw Siddhartha out the window or write  _ASSHOLE_  on his mirror with permanent marker. But she thought better of it. She had more important things to worry about right now. Like getting the fuck out of the Kappa frat house without being seen.  
  
She went to his closet in search of a hoodie. Maybe if she put the hood up over her head no one would approach her.  
  
The door to his bedroom opened just as she found the grey jacket he'd been wearing earlier that week.  
  
"Griffin?"

She came out of the closet, still holding onto the jacket, to find him back in the room. He was holding two bottles of Coke in one hand and a bag of chips in the other.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
"I-uh, I thought you abandoned me up here" she said, feeling a bit embarrassed. "I was just going to use this to get out of the house."  
  
"I would never abandon you, Griffin."  
  
He put the Cokes and the bag of chips on top of the bed and went to his desk, grabbing his laptop before getting back into bed.  
  
"What are you doing?" Clarke asked.  
  
"What's it look like?" he asked. "I'm having a movie night with my girl."  
  
"Really? What about the party?"  
  
"Despite what you may think" he said, opening his laptop, "I'm not that big on parties. Not anymore. Turn the lights off."  
  
_Okay, this is kinda weird_ , she thought to herself as she got back in bed with Bellamy Blake in the dark. In his room. On a Friday night. All alone.  
  
"What are we watching?"  
  
"Sixteen Candles" he said, smiling at her as the lights from his laptop shined in his eyes.  
  
She smiled back. She was pretty sure that it was the first time she had returned his smile. She was pretty sure that it was the first time she had smiled all day. She was pretty sure that he was watching her more than he was watching the movie.  
  
She wasn't sure if she should like that or not.  
  
But she did.

* * *

Having a boyfriend, even a fake one was...kind of nice.  
  
She'd never had a boyfriend so it wasn't like she had anyone to compare Bellamy to. But the more time they spent together, the less she understood why he and Echo fought so much. And the less she understood  _why_  Echo broke things off with him.  
  
Those were dangerous thoughts to have and she knew it. But it wasn't like she could help it.  
  
They'd only been fake-dating for a couple of weeks. He typically walked her to and from campus. Sometimes that was the only time they'd see one another. Other days he would sit with her and Raven on the bleachers between classes. Sometimes he would join her for lunch. One morning he brought her a bright pink daisy. He said it was his  _something romantic_  for that week. The next week he took her to dinner and brought her to meet his friends afterwards. That was interesting, but not horrible. The third week, he surprised her with a trip to a museum that was in the next town over.  
  
By the fourth week, Clarke knew she was in trouble.  
  
She found herself sitting on the bleachers, watching him. Lacrosse had started and he had practice almost every afternoon. She didn't mind sitting there, waiting for him. Watching him practice. She (sometimes) got some studying done.  
  
But if she were going to be honest with herself, which she hated being, she mostly did it because it kinda made him happy to find her waiting there? Sometimes he'd run over for a drink, and he'd stand there for a couple of minutes and chat. Other times when he was standing on the field and he wasn't running or getting physical, he'd look over towards the bleachers. And then he'd see her and he would smile like maybe he hadn't expected her to still be there.  
  
Like right now. He was standing in the middle of the field and he was looking towards her. She'd arrived a little later than usual so maybe he thought she wasn't coming. She raised her hand, waving, and smiled at him. A real, genuine smile because apparently she did that now.  
  
_Ugh. My god._  
  
After a couple of minutes she heard a whistle. Bellamy jogged up to where she sat.  
  
"So I was thinking we could go to our first party together tomorrow night?" he suggested, taking a long drink from the Gatorade bottle beside his bag.  
  
"Okay" Clarke said, shrugging.  
  
"Okay?"

"Yeah" she said. "What?"  
  
"I just didn't expect you to agree so fast" he said. "I know that's not really your scene."  
  
"It's not but I'm branching out" she said, "trying new things and whatnot."  
  
"Yeah?" he asked, smiling. "Anything else you want try out?"  
  
He was sweaty and breathing hard and  _why, why, why_  were his little remarks making her feel so differently now?  
  
He went back to practice and she went back to worrying. They'd really only been fake dating for a month. How much longer could she last?  
  
Suddenly she heard the familiar ringtone of his cellphone. It was coming from his bag. The one that was at her feet right now. She glanced up, noticing that practice had started again. No one would really see if she...  
  
_No, Clarke. Absolutely not. You will NOT check your fake boyfriends phone. It's none of your business. It's a TOTAL invasion of privacy. That is not you. Don't even-_  
  
She reached forward and took the phone out of his bag. A missed call from Echo. She expected it but it still pissed her off. A lot more than it should have.  
  
Clarke felt like a horrible person for swiping left, deleting the notification that Echo had called him.

* * *

 

Saturday night, Clarke felt like someone new.  
  
She'd only been to a few parties. And each time, she'd been with Finn and Raven. They, like her hair, were sort of a security blanket. They were always around. She always had someone to talk to. Others rarely ever approached her but it was okay because she had her friends beside her. She didn't feel like a total loser.  
  
With Bellamy, it was different.  
  
People stared at her. They talked to her. Included her in conversations. Bellamy made her feel present. He held her hand when he wove through crowded rooms. He got her drinks. When girls stared at him with flirty eyes and stupid grins, or casually touched him, he barely acknowledged them.  
  
"Hey did I tell you that you look pretty tonight?" he said, leaning down and half-yelling because the music was extremely loud.  
  
"Yeah" Clarke nodded, rolling her eyes because the alternative was to smile stupidly. "I think you mentioned it."  
  
She'd left her long blonde hair down and straightened it a little. She put on mascara and glittery eye shadow. A little nude lipstick. The dress was Raven's but it fit her okay, though it was a little more snug than she was comfortable with. But Raven convinced her to wear it and Clarke didn't regret the decision.  
  
And when Bellamy came to pick her up (he didn't want her walking alone even though the party was literally down the street) he said  _Damn_  and looked at her for a little too long. He even made her pose so that he could take a picture of her.  
  
During the party he always kept her close. He touched her lower back even though they had a  _no touching_  rule. But she didn't stop him. He stood behind her while she played a round of quarters. And when Raven wanted to snap a picture of her during their game, Bellamy wrapped his arms around her shoulders and leaned his chin onto the top of her head. Raven asked for another and he leaned down closer and kissed her cheek while Raven snapped multiple pictures instead of just one like she'd said.  
  
Clarke was a little drunk on cheap beer but, honestly, she felt more lightheaded because she wasn't really sure if this was her life or not.  
  
She caught a glimpse of herself in the bathroom mirror and she looked happy, too happy.  
  
_Fake. Fake. Fake._  
  
_All of this is fake_.  
  
"Hey, you got a second?" Finn asked once she stepped out of the bathroom.

"Um, sure. What's up?"  
  
She wasn't sure why but she let Finn take her by the hand and lead her into his room. He closed the door behind them and only when the music got a little quieter did she realize that maybe, just maybe, this wasn't the best idea.  
  
"Clarke" he said, "I-I just feel like I need to get this off my chest. So please just give me a couple minutes."  
  
"Finn, I don't think-"  
  
"I think I'm in love with you" he said.  
  
She really, really wished she wouldn't have drank at all. And she really, really wished that she wouldn't have come.  
  
"I-I need to get out of here" she said.  
  
There was too much noise in the house, in her head. There were too many thoughts running through it. Too many feelings fighting for her attention.  
  
"So you can't even talk to me?" he asked.  
  
"No, I can't."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
She didn't say anything.  
  
"Why, Clarke?" Finn asked. "Because of Bellamy?"  
  
He walked closer to her. There wasn't enough space between them and she knew it but she couldn't make her legs move because he was in love with her.  
  
"Or because you love me too?"  
  
She couldn't move her legs. Her arms. Her lips. Nothing. Not even when he kissed her.  
  
But as soon as she closed her eyes it was Raven's face she saw.  
  
Their lips had barely even touched when she finally snapped out of it and made her legs move. He let her pass. He let her open the door and step out into the hallway. He let her walk out of his room and find Bellamy waiting there.  
  
"What the fuck?" he said, "Why were you in Finn's room?"  
  
"I-we..." she stammered, feeling the need to cross her arms over her chest. "He wanted to talk."  
  
"About what?" Bellamy asked. There was an edge to his voice that she hadn't heard before.  
  
"Nothing...just-just" she stammered again, unable to think of a lie but not wanting to tell him the truth, either.  
  
Bellamy scoffed.  
  
"Not cool, Griffin" he said.  
  
"What? We were just talking?"  
  
"If he wanted to talk to you he could have done it downstairs" he said, "you know, where his girlfriend is. I came up here to see what was taking you so long. What did he want to talk about?"  
  
"Why are you acting like a jerk?"  
  
"I'm acting like a jerk?" he said, walking closer to her. "You're the one who was in some other guys room at a fucking party. A guy you like? What do you think people are gonna say? Or, at the very least, think?"  
  
"Are you fucking serious right now?" she asked, feeling her frustration coming to a boil, "You still talk to your ex girlfriend every fucking day!"  
  
"That's not the same-"  
  
Finn's door opened and he stepped out. He might have heard them fighting, but he might not have. The music was pretty loud.  
  
"Is everything okay, Clarke?"  
  
"Can you fuck off for a couple minutes?" Bellamy asked, "This is a private conversation."  
  
"Everything's fine" she said, glaring at Bellamy one more time before making her way back down the stairs. She heard him follow but she kept going, opening the front door and stepping out into the street.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"Home" she snapped.  
  
She heard Bellamy sigh. But he kept on walking a few paces behind her.  
  
"Can you just leave me alone?"  
  
"I'm not going to let you walk home in the dark."  
  
"It's literally right down the street."  
  
"I don't care" he said.  
  
She walked up the entry way and made a point to slam the door behind her.  
  
She started up the stairs only to find Echo waiting at the top.  
  
"Clarke? You okay?" she said, gently. Like she cared.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine."  
  
"Why are you back so soon?" she asked, "How's the party?"  
  
"I'm just tired" Clarke said, reaching the top of the staircase where Echo waited. Her long, thick hair was curled. She had on a light pink dress and shiny lipgloss.  
  
"Oh, okay" she said. "I'm heading over now."  
  
She didn't wait for a response, slowly descending down the staircase.  
  
"How's Bellamy?" she suddenly asked, not turning around.  
  
"Fine" Clarke said through gritted teeth.  
  
_I'm sure you'll find out in a few minutes._  
  
"I'm happy for you, really" Echo said, right before opening the front door and closing it behind her.  
  
Clarke considered going back. There was not a doubt in her mind that Bellamy was the first person Echo would seek out. The thought made her blood boil. _No_. She couldn't do that. He wasn't even her boyfriend.  
  
She went into her room and took the dress off, slipping into a large sweater and a pair of leggings. She felt tears of frustration building behind her lids.  
  
Her fight with Bellamy, like so many other things that were happening between them, didn't feel so fake anymore.  
  
She laid down and closed her eyes.  
  
She was in way over her head.  
  
He was still in this for Echo. Clarke wasn't sure what she was in it for. Not anymore.

* * *

 

There was a light knock on her door, roughly an hour after she'd come home. She hadn't been able to fall asleep. She felt too frustrated, too confused to sleep. Her night replayed over and over. All the little things with Bellamy. Finns confession. The kiss. The fight. It was all too much.  
  
"Don't be mad" Bellamy said, "I know you said I wasn't supposed to come here but almost all of the Delta's are at our party."  
  
She sighed but let him come into her room anyway.  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"I just came to apologize" he said. "I overstepped. I overreacted. It's none of my business. I shouldn't have yelled at you."  
  
She wished that he wouldn't have come to apologize because he did and it made her happy.  
  
"Maybe we should just..." she trailed off. She kind of felt like she needed to end this fake relationship because she was pretty sure that she was developing real feelings. At the same time, she needed the fake relationship now more than ever. Now that she knew her feelings for Finn were mutual.  
  
"Kiss and make up?" he suggested.  
  
"Shut up" she said, but she was smiling and she didn't really mean it.  
  
He sat down next to her on the bed.  
  
"I accept your apology" she said. "You can go back to your party now."  
  
"Do you not like my company at all?"  
  
His voice was playful but his smile didn't look very real. Like maybe he was seriously thinking she didn't.  
  
"I like your company" she said, looking down at her hands. It felt too much like a confession.  
  
"I have another rule I'd like to add" he said.  
  
_Oh, crap. He totally knows I might kinda like him for real, doesn't he?_  
  
"What is it?"

"No lying" he said. "We're already lying to everyone else, including our close friends. I don't want there to be lies between us, too."  
  
It made sense. Honestly, she wanted that too. But she wondered if this was stemming from what had happened at the party with Finn.  
  
_Finn. Ugh_. What the hell was she going to do about Finn? Now that she'd had time to accept the fact that he'd basically kissed her and proclaimed his love for her, despite the fact that he had Raven, she found herself a little disgusted.  
  
She couldn't deny the fact that a big part of her felt a little relieved though. He liked her too. It wasn't all in her head. Her crush on him had lost a lot of heat, obviously. First after she found out he had a girlfriend, and then considerably after she found out how amazing Raven was. And then even more so, now that she was spending more time with her fake boyfriend and going on dates instead of third-wheeling all the time.  
  
But he had kissed her. And he had told her that he loved her.  
  
What the hell was she supposed to do?  
  
"That okay?" Bellamy asked, pulling her back to reality.  
  
"Oh, uh" she started, "of course."  
  
_7\. We tell each other the truth_  
  
She was worried that he would use the opportunity to ask about what happened with Finn. And because of their new rule, she'd definitely have to tell him.  
  
But he didn't ask.  
  
So she didn't tell. A small knot grew in her stomach. She wondered if she should take the opportunity to ask him about Echo. In the few weeks since they'd been together, she'd rarely heard him talk about Echo. There we little comments here and there, ones she couldn't recall now because at the time she hadn't cared. But now she cared. And she had deleted Echo's call from his phone. And she had felt jealous, and worried, when Echo left to join the party.  
  
But she thought better of it.  
  
"Seriously though" she said, "we're good. You can go back to the party if you want. As much as I enjoy your company, I'm kinda tired anyway."  
  
"Well if it's okay with you I'll stay for a bit" he said, scooting over and making a little room for her on her bed.  
  
She sighed, kinda wishing he would just leave.  
  
Even so, after she laid down and turned her back to him, he wrapped an arm around her middle. He scooted a little closer. Their bodies weren't touching but only a couple centimeters separated them.  
  
Clarke tucked her hands under her cheek.  
  
_Should I tell Raven? Should I talk to Finn, make him understand? Should I tell Bellamy? Should I break things off with him?_  
  
She didn't have an answer for any of the questions running through her head.  
  
If she were in Raven's position, she would want to know. But at the same time, maybe she wouldn't? It would break Ravens heart. She didn't know if she should talk to Finn, make him understand that it was  _never_  going to happen. Or if she should just ignore him and hope that the distance changes things. She wasn't sure if she should tell Bellamy about Finns confession. About the kiss. They were supposed to be honest with one another. But it wasn't like he was  _really_  her boyfriend. And it wasn't like he wasn't having his own personal conversations with someone else.

She'd started this thing with Bellamy because she wanted to avoid the complications brought on by her letter. But, if anything, the fake relationship had only made things even more complicated.  
  
He was gone when she woke up, a couple hours later. She hoped this sleeping together thing was not going to become a habit.

* * *

 

"Wanna do something after brunch?" Raven asked, "I feel like we haven't had much time to catch up lately."  
  
"Sure" Clarke said, putting on a nice blouse for their routine Sunday brunch. "What do you have in mind?"  
  
"I dunno" she said, "maybe we can just take a walk or something?"  
  
"Sounds good."  
  
Sunday brunch was held in the dining room. The table was almost full by the time Raven and Clarke joined. Girls passed dishes back and forth and down the line. They chatted, laughed. Even during the times when she was actually part of the group, she didn't really feel like it.  
  
But in a weird way, she kind of felt it like was her and not them. Like she was the one who  _wanted_  to be the one that didn't fit in. She didn't try to get to know her sisters very well. She didn't want to spend much time with them. So she really couldn't blame them for making her feel left out when it was by her own making. She wasn't sure if she could do this for three more years.  
  
Living alone in a dorm, or getting an apartment off campus with Raven sounded a lot more appealing than staying in Delta Nu. She didn't mind the occasional fundraisers, the fancy get togethers, the calendar of chores, etcetera. She just got a little tired of being around people all the time.  
  
Echo was always the last one down. She had to be.  
  
They ate and talked and made marks in their chore and social calendars. Clarke tried to pay attention.  
  
"Alright, girls, quiet down" Echo said.  
  
Clarke knew it was call-out time. Not by name of course. But whenever Echo talked about someone, somehow people always knew who she was referring to even if she didn't name drop.  
  
"So I've been wanting to bring this up but I've resisted the urge" she started, taking the time to glance at all her sisters. "I've been a bit...ashamed...about some of the stuff I've been hearing about the Delta Nu girls lately."  
  
At that, a bunch of girls started playing with their food, or looking down at their hands, or anywhere besides their upset president.  
  
"I mean" she started, rising from the table so that she could glare at them from above. "I know at least a few of you have failed your first round of testing. Talking shit about a fellow sister behind her back?" she started walking around the table. "Purposefully showing up at events drunk?"

She continued circling around the table, like a vulture.  
  
"I've heard a couple things about two of you being little sluts and cheating on your boyfriends" she said. That got some attention. Half of the girls were single so the cheater pool was narrowed. "And worse" she said, pausing, "going after your fellow sisters partners?"  
  
_What?_  
  
"Some of you need to seriously, seriously clean up your acts" she said. "You are making the whole house look bad."  
  
Clarke and Raven glanced at each other.  
  
"There will be a punishment" she said. "You all know I would never call anyone out. If things don't change I will be speaking to you all one by one. But as for the punishment..." she paused.  
  
Clarke looked up and found Echo staring at her.  
  
"For some of the  _sloppy_  behavior I have witnessed" she said, "no more parties at the Kappa Sigma chapter house."  
  
"What?"  
  
"But that's not fair!"  
  
"Those are the only parties people actually go to-"  
  
The protests came from some of the braver girls.  
  
Echo held up a hand.  
  
"I said no more parties at Kappa Sigma" she said, "until further notice."  
  
Clarke didn't stare back because she cared about the parties. She stared back because she knew this was personal.  
  
Eventually they were dismissed. A few of the girls narrowed their eyes at Clarke. Like they actually thought she was the reason they could no longer drink until they blacked out at their favorite frat house.  
  
She felt pissed enough to roll her eyes at her sisters. And as she waited for Raven to change into something more comfortable for their walk, she only grew angrier.  
  
_Sloppy? I'll show you fucking sloppy_.  
  
"Hey, Raven? Can you send me some of the pictures from the party?"  
  
"Just send them to yourself. You know my passcode."  
  
Clarke grabbed Raven's phone and browsed through Raven's library. She sent all of the pictures of herself and Bellamy to her own phone. She laid back down on her bed and studied them a little better.

She felt her throat grow a little dry, a little tight, because the pictures were actually pretty cute. They looked like a couple. Like a real one. She opened her Facebook app on her phone and changed her profile picture. She picked the one of her and Bellamy, where he was kissing her cheek and she was smiling.  
  
It was a good picture. Her smile looked genuine and she looked...pretty. There was a glow she didn't recognize.  
  
But, more importantly, it would definitely piss a few people off.

* * *

 

She and Raven walked in the opposite direction of the campus, slowly heading towards the downtown portion of their city, Arkadia.  
  
Clarke made sure to give Raven her undivided attention. She felt a little guilty for the lack of time they'd had for one another. Along with a couple more things. The least she could do was give her friend her time.  
  
They caught up on the things they'd missed. Classes, gossip.  
  
"So how are things with you and Bellamy?" Raven asked.  
  
They made their way to a diner on the corner of a street. They went inside and sat across from one another in a booth.  
  
"Pretty good" Clarke said. She didn't really want to go into detail. Once she read that if someone talks about someone they like, it makes them like them more.  
  
Of course Raven asked for details. Clarke settled on telling her about the nice things Bellamy had been doing for her.  
  
But she felt herself smiling too much.  
  
"I don't think it's going to last very long" she finished.  
  
"What?" Raven exclaimed. "Why not?"  
  
"I-I just think we want different things" she said, "and he'll be graduating and leaving in May so..." that much was true. "I guess he'll be going his way and I'll go mine."  
  
"But you really like him" Raven said, "and he's obviously into you. Don't you want to try and work it out?"  
  
The question made Clarke's heart want to explode into a million pieces.  
  
"I do" she said, "I want to work it out."  
  
Raven smiled, big and wide.  
  
"How about you? How's Finn?" the question made her guilt resurface.  
  
"Oh, we're fine" Raven said, shrugging her shoulders.  
  
Clarke took a sip of her milkshake. There was something off about Raven.  
  
"Is anything the matter?" she pushed.  
  
Raven sighed.  
  
"I don't know" she said, "Finn and I... things have felt different. He's a little distant. And lately I just don't feel like he appreciates me at all."  
  
"Whoa, Raven. What?"  
  
"Someone pointed out that he just doesn't seem very interested in me" she said, "and since they said it I can't stop thinking about it."  
  
"Who said that?" Clarke wondered.  
  
"That's not important" Raven said, picking at her basket of fries. "What's important is that I'm starting to think they're right. And, I mean, I see the way Bellamy looks at you and Finn hasn't looked at me like that in a really long time."  
  
Clarke wanted to ask Raven how exactly Bellamy looked at her. But she didn't want to make this conversation about her. She was already a shitty friend for not telling her about Finn. She didn't want to add to the list.  
  
"I don't know" Raven finished. "I'm not sure if it's him. Or maybe...maybe something might have changed with me. I don't know."  
  
Clarke wondered if Raven's chemistry partner had anything to do with this. If he'd been the one who had pointed out Finn's lack of interest. But she knew better than to ask.  
  
"Ugh, let's change the subject" Raven said, reaching over and dipping one of her fries into Clarke's chocolate shake. "What's up with this whole Kappa ban? What happened at that party last night?"  
  
"I have no idea" Clarke said. "I mean I left kinda early but up until then things had been kinda calm. Well, as calm as they could get for a frat party."  
  
"Yeah, why'd you leave early?"  
  
"Oh, uh, I was just kinda tired" she lied.  
  
"Bellamy disappeared for a while too."  
  
"Yeah, um" she started, feeling herself blush "he kinda just walked me home and stayed with me for a bit. Until I fell asleep."  
  
"That's disgusting" Raven said. "How's he in bed?"  
  
"I don't know" she said, "we haven't really..." she trailed off.  
  
"What the hell? Why not?"  
  
"We're taking things slow" Clarke lied.  
  
"Wow" Raven said. "He must like you a lot."  
  
"I guess" Clarke said.  
  
_Or maybe he's just getting it somewhere else._

* * *

 

"Come on" Bellamy said, pulling her towards the front door. "Echo only said no parties here. Not that you couldn't come at all."  
  
"Bellamy, it's late" she said, "and I have a lecture at 8am tomorrow morning."  
  
It'd been a couple of weeks and Echo still hadn't gave them the okay to start going to Kappa parties again.  
  
"Come on" he said, turning to give her a sweet smile. "Just for a few minutes."  
  
"You always say that" she sighed, following him inside.  
  
She was letting him break their rules more and more often. She herself was breaking spoken and unspoken rules  _because_  of him.  
  
By now the other guys in the house were used to her. A lot them talked to her, even outside of the house, like when they'd see her on campus. She followed Bellamy to the kitchen to grab a drink. He grabbed the drinks but spent a couple minutes talking to the guys in the kitchen.  
  
Clarke wished the floor would open up and swallow her because Finn was there and it still wasn't easy to look at him. Every time she did she thought about his confession at the party. Their kiss. She didn't think of the letter that had started all of this that often anymore, mostly because she felt like she was over it. Raven was a lot more important to her than some stupid crush. And honestly? Finn wasn't that great. A great guy would never do that to Raven.  
  
He was staring at her and she wished he would stop.

He rose from the kitchen table and to her shock, he walked up to her and asked her how she was doing. He completely ignored Bellamy, who was ignoring him as well. Clarke kept the conversation as casual as possible. She still wanted to keep Finn at a distance.  
  
Upstairs, she took her jacket and her shoes off and climbed into bed. She set her alarm to go off in half an hour. She set the alarm because for some reason she always lost track of time when she was with Bellamy. She needed to get some sleep if she wanted to be present for her lecture.  
  
He took a shower and dressed for bed while she checked her student email and her social media sites.

"Why did you want me to come inside?" she asked, "to keep the bed warm while you shower?"  
  
"Yeah" he said. "That way it's prewarm and ready for me. Plus it smells like you."  
  
"You're ridiculous" she said, but she was the one who felt ridiculous.  
  
He climbed into bed in his white t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants.  
  
"I should go" she said.  
  
"Can't you just stay for a little while?" he asked. "I mean, I would totally come to your house but I'm not supposed to do that."  
  
He laid down and plugged his headphones into his phone, handing her the right one while he kept the left.  
  
"Oh, shut up" she said, laying down beside him and taking the headphone.  
  
She closed her eyes.  
  
What felt like five seconds later, her phone alarmed, telling her it was time to go.  
  
But the lights were turned off and it had started raining outside. It was so warm underneath the covers and honestly sleeping with him felt so much better than sleeping alone.  
  
_What harm could it do?_  she wondered, already letting her body relax.  
  
She turned the alarm off. She would just have to remind him about their rules.  
  
Tomorrow.

* * *

 

She woke up in the middle of the night, startled. It was still raining, but now there was thunder too. Bellamy was sitting at his desk. The room was dimly lit by the little lamp on the other side of the room.  
  
"Hey" he said, standing up from his chair and heading towards her. "It's just thunder."  
  
She looked around in confusion until she tapped her phone and saw that it was 02:54 in the morning. And she was in Bellamy Blake's bed.  
  
"Why are you up?"  
  
"Just getting a little homework done" he said, laying back down beside her.  
  
"Well, one of us should."  
  
He laughed, turned on his side and wrapped his arm around her waist. Pulled her closer.  
  
"Bellamy-"  
  
"Tell me something personal" he said from behind her. "Something no one else here knows about you."  
  
She racked her brain.  
  
"I hate driving" she said, closing her eyes and settling into his warmth.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well" she started, lulled into a false sense of security "my dad died in a pretty bad car accident. And we live on a campus with a lot of young adults who like to drink and drive. I don't want to die young."  
  
He didn't say anything.  
  
Suddenly she felt a little embarrassed about telling him something  _that_  personal. Even Raven didn't know that.  
  
"And I mean" she started, a little more awake now, "if you read the statistics, more people die in car accidents than anything else."  
  
"You do know that you'll have to deal with a lot of those people if you want to be a trauma doctor, right?"  
  
She smiled.  
  
"I know" she said, "but I will be helping them. Saving them, hopefully."  
  
He reached up, laced his fingers through hers and gave her hand a squeeze.  
  
"Thank you for sharing that with me."  
  
His breathing evened. He fell asleep.  
  
Eventually, she did too.  
  
Her last thought was that she would definitely have to break up with him in the morning.  
  
She'd have to break up with him because now she was definitely sure that she was having real feelings for her fake boyfriend. She had to break up with him in the morning. She had to.  
  
But in the morning,  
  
she didn't.

* * *

 

The jersey on her back felt like a target.  
  
But strangely, she liked it.  
  
She stood up from the bleachers, clapping her hands and cheering Bellamy on. The whole crowd behind her was getting a little viscious. It was the third game of the season and Arkadia was leading. Just barely, though. And there were only a couple more minutes to go.  
  
Bellamy had given her his spare jersey the night before. Asked her to wear it to the game.  
  
A few of her sisters gave her a nasty head-to-toe glance when she walked down the stairs with the word _BLAKE_  across her back. She smiled at them, feeling a little smug. Especially since Echo had stopped talking mid sentence when she saw the jersey.  
  
After another tense fifteen minutes, the crowd on the bleachers was headed towards the field to congratulate the team. Clarke joined them, spotting Bellamy in the center of a group hug. Eventually it broke up and the players parted ways. Some of them went to to shake hands with the member of the team they'd beaten.  
  
But Bellamy looked up, looked around, and spotted her. He smiled and she smiled harder. It was a good game for him.  
  
He walked towards her, completely unaffected by all the eyes that followed him.  
  
"Congra-" was all she got out before he leaned down and kissed her. Right there, in the middle of the crowd. With everyone watching.  
  
"Thank you" he said.  
  
The worst part was, even though she hadn't been expecting it at all...it felt totally natural. And a little too real for a fake relationship.  
  
"Can you wait for me here?" he asked. "I'm just gonna go change and grab my stuff from the locker room real quick."  
  
The crowd was breaking up. Viewers and players were headed off the field. Some to their homes, but most to celebrate the victory at some party or another.  
  
"Yeah" she said, feeling like she was looking at him a little too long.  
  
But he only smiled, glanced at her lips, and left.

She told Raven to go on without her. That she'd meet her back at home. And while she waited for Bellamy, all alone on the bleachers, she started to feel nervous. Things had already started to feel way too real, way too different between them. But he'd never kissed her before. She felt anticipation building in her stomach, making her want to throw up.  
  
She waited, growing more and more nervous by the second. She just knew that things would change, really change, tonight. She wasn't sure when or how or in what way. But they would change. She just knew it.  
  
Eventually, too much time passed. He was taking too long.  
  
_Where the hell is he?  
_  
She waited a little longer. But there was no one else around and it was getting late. It was getting cold. She stood up and headed towards the locker room, a little worried. What was keeping him? He knew she was waiting.  
  
When she turned the corner onto the corridor where the locker room was, she saw them. He was leaning against one wall. Echo was across from him, on the other. They hadn't seen or heard her so she took a step back. She wished she had the self control to make herself walk away.  
  
She didn't.  
  
"Why do you care, anyway?"  
  
"You know why I care, Bellamy" Echo said.  
  
"No, I don't" he said, "because last time I checked you dropped my ass for someone else. Who you're still with, by the way."  
  
There was a long pause. Clarke worried that they would hear her heart. It was beating way too fast, way too loud for her body.  
  
"But not for long" Echo said, "and I don't love him."  
  
"Yeah, well, I love her."  
  
Clarke felt her stomach drop.  
  
"You don't mean that. I know you. You've only been with her for what? A couple months?" Echo said. Clarke listened to the sound of her heels crossing the short distance to the other side of the hall. "And even if by some miracle you do love her...it doesn't compare to how you love me."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Remember what I said?" Echo said, "That you and I will always find our way back to one another? Remember that?"  
  
"Yeah I remember."  
  
"I still think that's true. I know it is. Do you?"  
  
Clarke didn't, couldn't, stick around to hear the answer.  
  
She walked out, feeling like her heart had lodged into her throat. Feeling like the biggest, dumbest idiot in the world. There was a weight on her chest. There were horrible thoughts in her head. There were tears of embarrassment in her eyes.  
  
She was almost off campus when she heard him.  
  
"Griffin!"  
  
She stopped walking. Dabbed at the corners of her eyes with her sleeve.  
  
"Where are you going?" he asked right before he reached her.  
  
"Home" she said, turning to glare at him. "Because I got fucking tired of waiting for you in the cold."  
  
He glanced at his phone, like he hadn't even realized how much time had passed.  
  
"Oh, shit" he said, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize that-"  
  
"That I was sitting outside waiting for you? Like the  _fucking_  idiot that I am?"  
  
"No, I just, I lost track of time" he said, looking a bit shaken by her outburst.  
  
"Yeah?" she asked, crossing her arms over her chest. "What took so long?"  
  
"I-I just, I ran into Echo and she wanted to talk."  
  
She was kind of disappointed that he didn't lie about it. If he had, it would have made things easier.  
  
"About what?"  
  
"About us" he said, shrugging, "our relationship."  
  
"Which one?" Clarke asked. "The one you have with her or the one you're pretending to have with me?"  
  
He ran a hand through his hair.  
  
"Both, I guess."  
  
She tried to control her emotions. If she overreacted now, then he'd know that this wasn't fake anymore. Not for her.  
  
"I think it's time we end this" she said, "this  _contract_."  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"Because I'm tired, Bellamy" she said, "I'm tired of your drama. I got Finn off my back. No one else found out. I don't need a boyfriend anymore."  
  
"So just fuck me and what I want?" he asked, "You got what you wanted so that's it?"  
  
"Well what the hell do you want?" she yelled, "you made Echo jealous. I'm sure she's just dying to get back together with you."  
  
"She's not" he said, "not yet."  
  
"So what?" Clarke asked, "you wanna keep this going for a couple more months until she does?"  
  
"No, I-"  
  
"Just go back inside and tell her we broke up. I'm tired of being..."  
  
"I'm not ready" he said, "and besides, you said you'd wait until spring break."  
  
"That's weeks and weeks away. I can't-"  
  
"Has it really been that bad?" he asked. "So bad you can't even do it a little longer?"  
  
Again, the question seemed to have a double meaning. And there was a sad look in his eyes that she couldn't really understand.  
  
"No" she said, "it hasn't been bad."  
  
_That's the problem.  
_  
"Then just stay with me" he said, stepping a little closer, "just a little while longer."  
  
She opened her mouth to say no.  
  
But she didn't.  
  
And it wasn't because he'd asked her not to. It was because the idea of staying with him, for just a little while longer- even if it wasn't real- was what she wanted.  
  
It was stupid and self destructive and she knew she would pay dearly for it.  
  
"Fine" she said, "just a little while longer."

* * *

 

"Can I ask you something personal this time?"  
  
"Of course" he said, "anything."  
  
"What do you even see in her?"  
  
They were sitting across from one another in the library a week after he kissed her.  
  
"It's hard to explain" he said, slumping forward a bit.  
  
"Well, try."  
  
He sighed.  
  
"She knows me pretty well" he said. "She's outgoing. She knows what she wants and she goes after it. She's confident. She's sexy. We've been together for a long time. She's been the one constant over the past four years."  
  
"Just because you've been together for a long time doesn't mean you should stay together though" Clarke said. "That's like...settling for something you know because you know it."  
  
"It's not that simple."  
  
"It kind of is" Clarke said. "And you're just...you're so different from her. She's not a nice person."  
  
"She can be" he said, "you barely know her."  
  
"I know enough" Clarke said. "She's mean."  
  
"Why?" Bellamy asked, a little agitated, "because she said that you needed a boyfriend? Because she's made a few rude comments? So have you."  
  
She looked away.  
  
Okay. So he was obviously still in love with her.  
  
"I'm sorry" he said, "I'm just a little on edge, okay? I'm gonna head to class."  
  
"Whatever" she said, packing her own bag.  
  
"Maybe you should get to know her a little better" he said.  
  
"Are you kidding?" Clarke asked, "You do know she's constantly talking shit about us, right?"  
  
"That's just cause she's jealous."  
  
"Still" Clarke said, "she said it was okay. She even told you I  _needed_  a date. A now half of my sorority sisters act like I stole you from her."  
  
"Well it's hard to see your ex-"  
  
"Oh my god" Clarke said, exasperated, "can you just stop defending her? Holy shit. She's kind of a shitty person and that's fine. She doesn't hide it. I don't care how well you know her."  
  
She pushed past him, decided to head to her own class early.  
  
"What's up with you?" he asked, "why are you acting like the jealous one?"  
  
She stopped in her tracks to glare at the playful smile on his lips.  
  
"I am _not_  jealous" Clarke said. "This is a fake relationship. We're just pretending, remember? Why the hell would I be jealous? None of this is real."  
  
The smile dropped and his eyes fluttered a little. He took a step back.  
  
"Yeah" he said. "Yeah, I know."  
  
"And it's really none of my business but it's kind of unhealthy and a bit gross that you talk to your ex every night" she said, feeling unable to stop herself now that she'd started, "even if this isn't real. What do you think people are saying about you? What do you think they're saying about me? I know that none of this is real but I'm really getting tired of feeling like I'm second best."  
  
She walked away, leaving him in the crowded hall, clenching his jaw.

* * *

 

The worst part of all of this was that she really didn't have anyone to talk to. Because no one knew her relationship with Bellamy was fake, though for her it didn't feel like it anymore. But no matter how many times she worked up the nerve to think of a way to end things with him, she never went through with it.  
  
Because it felt nice, being with him.  
  
And it was mostly because of him. Surprisingly, he was a good friend. He listened to her complain about classes, or her mother, or anything else that was annoying her. He was constantly doing these little things for her, like sending her sweet _goodnight_  or  _call me when you get home_  texts. When she needed time to do homework or study for a big test, he quietly sat beside her at the library or wherever else they were. He didn't pry but he always seemed to notice when she was having an off day. And yeah that was just him being a good friend to her, like he'd been to others. But she was pretty sure that he looked at her the same way she looked at him and it was becoming a problem.  
  
It wasn't until the second time she decided to spend the night with him that things changed. Again.  
  
"It's my turn to pick" she said, grabbing his phone and opening his music library. "I really hope you put some new music on this thing-"  
  
He sighed.  
  
They were laying on his bed, each with a headphone in one ear, after a long night of studying for midterms next week. Empty bottles of beer sat on his bedside table. They drank a bit to unwind. It was almost midnight and she wasn't at Delta Nu. She knew she was breaking the curfew. But Raven said she would cover for her, so she hoped that this was another rule she'd break without consequence.  
  
She browsed, pleased to see that he had in fact downloaded new music.  
  
"You downloaded all the Fleetwood Mac albums?" she asked, looking over at him. "But you don't even like them? You think Stevie Nicks is spooky."  
  
"Yeah" he said, "and I stand by that. But you like them."  
  
She smiled. Suddenly Blink182's song _All The Small Things_  played in her head.  
  
She tapped on  _Dreams_ , one of her favorite Fleetwood Mac songs and exited his iTunes. It was then that she noticed he'd changed his background picture to one of her.

"Cute, huh?"  
  
It was a picture of her sitting in the diner booth across from him. She was smiling, raising her hand to snatch his phone away for taking pictures.  
  
"It's not bad" she said.  
  
"What? No, I meant how cute of me to have you as my background" he said, "this picture is hideous."  
  
She elbowed him in the ribs. He laughed, turning onto his stomach.  
  
"I'm just kidding" he said, "it's an adorable picture."  
  
"Adorable?" she asked, "I'm not a puppy."  
  
He might as well ruffle her hair and call her  _buddy_  because  _what the fuck._  
  
He laughed again.  
  
She knew she was a little drunk because she couldn't force herself to look away from him. He was only a couple of inches away. It really, really didn't help things that she grew more and more attracted to him with the weeks that passed.  
  
She studied his face. His strong jawline. Long dark lashes. His eyes were a shade of brown she was getting a little too used to.  
  
"Wanna take a picture?"  
  
"What?" she asked, back to reality.  
  
"You're staring."  
  
"Oh, uh" she stammered. But she didn't feel embarrassed. It was definitely the alcohol. "You have a...nice face."  
  
"A nice face?" he chuckled.

She giggled. Why the fuck was she giggling? _Ugh, who am I anymore?_  
  
"Let's go downstairs" he said, "I need another drink."  
  
He got out of bed and held out his hand. She took it willingly, already too used to holding it. It was so much bigger than hers but it fit perfectly.

She said hello in passing to a couple guys. They were all pretty much used to her being in their house at least a couple times a week.  
  
In the kitchen, she hopped up onto the counter while he raided the fridge. The kitchen door opened, Miller and Finn walked in. She'd been pretty good at avoiding Finn over the past few weeks, even at the house. But sometimes they ran into each other and he looked at her with such intensity she felt her guilt make another reappearance.  
  
They made casual conversation with her and Bellamy, though Finn only looked at her.  
  
So much so that she began feeling a little uncomfortable. She hopped off of the counter and went to Bellamy's side. He handed her the Blue Moon he'd already taken a sip of and went to grab another.  
  
Miller and Finn sat down at the little table in the kitchen. Miller launched into some story that Clarke had a hard time following because Finn was still looking at her. Bellamy pulled out the chair across from them and beckoned for her to join him. She did.  
  
He pulled her into his lap.  
  
Clarke didn't really hear the rest of the story, or the little things Bellamy and Finn said in response. She felt a little distracted by the physical contact. She was sure it was nothing for him. He'd probably had countless girls in his lap. He'd probably placed his hand on countless hips.  
  
She found it distracting. The heat radiating from his body. The hand on her hip. She shifted a bit, leaning back into him a little and he wrapped his arm around her waist, fingertips under her sweater.  
  
The unusual feeling of fingertips that weren't her own on the soft skin of her ribs sent a shiver up her spine. She finished her beer in a few large gulps. The last thing she wanted to do was get all flustered by his touch. The beer would help her feel relaxed. At ease.  
  
She hoped.  
  
But then they went back upstairs and laid back down.  
  
"Why are you being so quiet?"  
  
"I'm hot" she said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I need to take this sweater off" she said. "Can I borrow a shirt?"  
  
"Of course" he said.  
  
He stood up again and held out his hand. She took it and followed him into his small walk-in closet.  
  
"Pick whichever one you want" he said.  
  
She looked through his surprisingly organized closet.

"This is my favorite shirt" she said, touching the dark blue shirt she seen him in a couple of times. "You look really good in this shirt."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Mhm" she said, peeking at him.  
  
He was standing a little too close for comfort.  
  
He reached forward and pulled the shirt off of the hanger.  
  
"Put it on" he said, holding the shirt out to her.  
  
_Oh, god_. She really shouldn't have drank at all. Being awkward would have been better than being as comfortable, as confident, as she was now.  
  
She grabbed the hem of her sweater, staring at him the entire time, and pulled it over her head. She dropped it to the floor. He didn't look away. He didn't seem bothered, or affected in any way, that she was standing only a couple inches away from him in her bra, staring at him.  
  
He stared right back.  
  
But the air in the closet seem to get warm, too warm, because his eyes dropped to her lips, then lower, all the way down to her toes and back up. And he didn't even try to hide it. Before she could even collect her drunk thoughts he reached forward and placed his hand around the back of her neck, bowed his head and crushed his lips onto hers.  
  
The first thing she consciously registered was that his lips were softer than she'd thought they'd be, warmer than she'd imagined. The second was that  _holy shit, we're kissing._  
  
She kissed him back.  
  
She thought that would be it. That they'd kiss and the spell would break and they'd go back to pretend.  
  
But he kissed her again and again and again. She kissed him back.  
  
He pushed her until she felt the wall against her back. His other hand went to her waist. His tongue slipped in to her mouth.  
  
Clarke thought she might die. Or at the very least, pass out.  
  
But she didn't.

There was a fire in her belly and it slowly consumed her. Her hands felt hot on his skin, his shoulders. She wasn't sure if she was giving as good as she was getting, she wasn't sure if she was doing the right thing with her hands or her tongue. But he didn't stop so he must have at least thought she was okay.  
  
She surprised herself by grabbing the hem of his t-shirt and lifting it over his head. They broke apart for a second. She'd seen his body before but she'd never seen it this close, she'd never felt it with her hands.  
  
Her hands went to his chest and his lips went back onto hers at the same time. She vaguely wondered if this was a mistake. But mistakes usually didn't feel this good, did they? She wasn't sure.  
  
He surprised her. She thought that maybe he'd take it slow. Maybe tread lightly. This was new territory for them, after all. But he didn't. His hands went to her thighs, hoisting her up until she could wrap her legs around his waist. Her body was crushed between his body and the wall. Things we moving too fast but she didn't really care. She wrapped her arms around his neck.  
  
They broke apart for air. Their heaving chests and loud breathing made her feel like she was on fire. Like she was in a movie, or living a life that wasn't really her own.  
  
He started kissing her jaw, her neck, and she titled her head up to the ceiling. She felt totally and completely consumed. Like everything else, their lives and everyone in them, was background noise.  
  
He pulled away for a second, only far enough so that he could lean his forehead onto hers and look her in the eye.  
  
"I don't know why we keep pretending" he said, voice low and rough "there's something real between us. Isn't there? You feel it too, don't you?"  
  
She was breathing too hard and it wasn't only because of the kissing.  
  
"I feel it" she managed to get out.  
  
When he kissed her again, there was even more urgency, even more heat behind the kiss. His hand trailed up her naked torso and her bra, touching her. His hand then slipped under the material of her bra and she really, truly thought she might explode. He rolled her nipple between his fingers and she bucked her hips, feeling her heart beating between her legs.  
  
She moaned into his mouth, held onto his back for support.  
  
"I want to fuck you" he mumbled against her neck.  
  
"I want you to" she said back.  
  
He pulled back. And the moment that his lips touched hers again,  
  
they both heard someone pounding on his bedroom door.  
  
Not a light tap. Not even a regular _are you in there_  kind of knock. Someone was actually pounding on his door, demanding to be heard.  
  
"Bellamy!"  
  
They both glanced towards the sound. The voice.  
  
"Bellamy open up!"  
  
_Oh, fuck._  
  
"She can't know I'm here" Clarke said. "It's past curfew. I'll get in trouble. So will Raven. She can't know I'm here."  
  
Bellamy only nodded.  
  
He let her go and quickly picked his shirt back up, putting it on. He closed the closet door and Clarke was left in the dark.  
  
She didn't bother moving closer to the door. She would hear them just fine.  
  
She heard Bellamy open the door. She heard footsteps as Echo came inside. A little movement and then a weep, maybe a sigh. She must have thrown herself at him, hugged him.  
  
"Oh, Bellamy" she said. Her voice was thick, like maybe she'd been crying.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
The door to his bedroom closed.  
  
"I'm just-" Echo started, "I'm just having one-one of those nights."  
  
"Why? What happened?"  
  
"Everything just feels like it's falling apart" she said. "I'm struggling with my classes. I'm freaked out about graduation. My girls are all over the place and I'm feeling so pressured to get them back in line. I broke up with Roan. I-I just.." she stopped talking.  Clarke heard little sniffles, like maybe Echo was crying.  
  
"I just really need you" she eventually said. "I just needed to see you."  
  
Clarke slid down the wall and took a seat on the floor.  
  
"Can we talk?" Echo asked. "Can you please just...I need you right now. I feel like I'm going to have another mental breakdown. I feel like I'm going to do something stupid again if-"  
  
"Okay" Bellamy said. "Okay. Let's just- do you want to go for a drive?"  
  
They left.  
  
She could understand why he would be there for Echo. They were close. They were part of each others lives. Clarke had never heard Echo like that. Like maybe she really was on the verge of a mental breakdown. She knew Bellamy well enough to understand why he would say yes, why he'd be there for Echo when she needed him.  
  
She could understand why he'd suggested a drive. It was a good way to get Echo out of the house. A good way to make sure that Clarke wouldn't get caught.  
  
What she couldn't understand was how the hell she ended up _here_.  
  
Sitting in a dark closet with tears in her eyes, with no fucking shirt on, while he just left with someone else.  
  
She waited five whole horrible, horrible minutes. And then she put her sweater back on and left. She didn't say anything to anyone. She didn't look at any of the boys sitting in the living room. Boys who must have seen Bellamy leave with Echo. Boys who were probably trying not to laugh, or worse, boys who were staring at her with pity.  
  
She was halfway down the street.  
  
"Clarke, wait!"  
  
Finn was coming out of the Kappa house, running towards her.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
She opened her mouth to say,  _yeah, of course I'm okay! Why wouldn't I be okay? I'm extremely, extremely okay right now_  but no words passed her lips. Instead, a fresh wave of tears and sobs and a horrible aching hit her all at once.  
  
He hugged her. Held her in the middle of the street lit up by only a few lamp posts.  
  
It seemed only fitting that he was the one holding her now. It was her letter, her stupid fucking letter to him that had started all of this.  
  
If someone had asked her at what point it stopped being about the letter she wrote to Finn and instead became about the one she wrote to Bellamy,  
  
she wouldn't know the answer.

* * *

 

"Is everyone ready for midterms?" Echo asked from the head of the table.  
  
There were various answers thrown around. All Clarke knew was the she could punch Luna, the only person that answered with an  _Absolutely!_  
  
"I know you've all been studying really hard" Echo said, "so I have full confidence in all of you. Well, most of you. Hopefully if things go well, I will lift the ban on partying next week."  
  
A few girls whooped, got a bit excited.  
  
"So I want to do something different this week" Echo started. The chatter died instantly. "Instead of talking about negative things that need to be addressed, I would like to put someone under a positive spotlight. Clarke."  
  
Clarke's head snapped up.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I just want to take a moment" Echo started, slowly, because she knew that all the girls were hanging on to her every word "to tell you that I am extremely, extremely proud of you."  
  
It wasn't at all what any of them, including Clarke, had expected to hear. But somehow that was worse.  
  
"I mean" Echo said, "your grades are top notch. You have one of the highest GPA's in the house. Not as high as Raven, of course, but who could compete with her, right?" Clarke wondered if her words had a double meaning to them. Her heart began to beat faster and faster. Was she about to be exposed? For how she used to feel about Finn? "Not only are your grades above satisfactory, but everything else is as well. You have consistently kept up with your chore calendar. You have not  _once_  broken curfew. You haven't gone to a single party since the ban, and even before that, you barely went at all. I think more girls should follow your lead, personally, but that's not important."  
  
She was  _so_  going to get exposed.  
  
"But most importantly you have not fallen victim to some of the biggest issues with sorority life" Echo said. "You've never had an argument with a fellow sister. You're respectful to your older sisters and take their advice" Clarke was not sure where the hell Echo was going, "you haven't fallen victim to sisterly feuds. Not even jealousy. I mean, I can personally attest to that. You're dating Bellamy Blake and yet you have absolutely no problem with me or anyone else that's had a history with him. I mean, girls, Clarke is extremely trusting and selfless. She doesn't mind that I'm still  _very_  close with Bellamy" she said, "nor does she try to interfere with my relationship with him. I cannot say that for all of you, unfortunately. I know for a fact that some of you have...inappropriate relationships with your sisters partners. So, Clarke, I just want to thank you for being a great example. Hear, hear."  
  
Clarke smiled.  
  
"Thank you, Echo" she said.  
  
There were so many other things she wanted to say. Thank you was definitely not one of them.

After brunch she purposefully left the house to study. She didn't go anywhere on campus because she figured Bellamy might find her. So she walked downtown and picked a random coffee shop and holed up for the remainder of the day.  
  
She let herself check her phone, just once.  
  
There were multiple texts from Bellamy. She didn't read any of them. And because she didn't trust herself, she automatically deleted them. A couple calls.  
  
_Raven 4:33pm: Bellamy's here, looking for you. Is everything okay? I told him you were gone._  
  
_Clarke 5:17pm: Everything is fine._  
  
Eventually she felt like she needed a change of scenery. And dinner. So she went to the diner on the corner of the street, though she felt a little paranoid about who might be there.  
  
She recognized a few faces. But not any she cared about.  
  
She ordered a burger and fries. A chocolate milkshake. She'd never actually been there alone so it felt kind of weird not having anyone to look at or talk to. Eventually someone sat down across from her. She glanced up. It was Miles Shaw, Raven's chemistry partner and Bellamy's frat brother.  
  
"Griffin, right?"  
  
"Clarke" she said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Clarke Griffin" she clarified.  
  
"Oh" he said, "then why does Bellamy only call you Griffin?"  
  
"I don't know" she said. "Maybe he doesn't remember my first name."  
  
"Very funny" Miles said, smiling a little.  
  
She'd never really spoken with him but he seemed pretty nice. A lot more reserved than the other guys.  
  
"Can I help you with something?"  
  
"You're a Delta Nu, right?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I was just wondering if Echo said anything about you guys coming to our parties" he said. "Is it true that she said you guys couldn't?"  
  
"Yeah" Clarke said. "We haven't been able to for a while. But she did say if things went well with midterms we can start going again."  
  
"Okay" he said, "sweet. Thank you, Clarke."  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
She grabbed a fry, dipped it in her chocolate shake and ate it.  
  
He looked at her a little strangely.  
  
"Clarke" he said, "wait, you're Raven's roommate right?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Sorry" he said, "I just put that together because all this time I've been thinking your name is Griffin."  
  
"I'm confused?"  
  
"Nothing" he said, "never mind. See you around, Clarke."  
  
Clarke stared after him, a little suspicious. Eventually she put her suspicions aside and went back to studying. Not like it was any of her business, anyway.

* * *

 

The sun had set just as she made it back. She'd planned her arrival so that it'd be dark by the time she got to her street and not too early before. Even so, she could see Bellamy sitting on the curb thanks to the lamp lights.  
  
But she did have to go home eventually. She couldn't really avoid the confrontation waiting on the side of the road.  
  
"So were you just going to ignore me forever?" he said, almost as soon as she was in hearing distance.  
  
"No" she said, "not forever."  
  
He stood up. Met her on the sidewalk.  
  
"Look, I'm sorry about leaving you last night" he said, "I know that it was fucked up. But can you not understand that I needed to?"  
  
"I can understand that" she said. "Really, Bellamy. I can. I know that you would have done that for anyone, not just her. I would have done the same thing."  
  
He relaxed, deflated.  
  
"So then what's the problem?"  
  
"The problem is that..." she paused, wanting to make sure she said everything correctly, "the problem is that I meant what I said. I'm tired of being second best. I'm tired of being the laughing stock of my house because everyone seems to know that you're still in love with Echo."  
  
"But I'm not" he said, "I mean, I'm still not where I want to be but I'm not in love with her anymore."  
  
"So then why are we still doing this?"  
  
She waited, heart in throat, for his answer. She prayed, prayed that he would say the right thing.  
  
"You know why" he said.  
  
She swallowed past the lump in her throat.  
  
"I don't know" she said. "And that's the problem. I don't know whats real and what isn't. I don't know-"  
  
"Yeah, you do" he said, stepping closer, "you feel it too. I know you do."  
  
She found it a little hard to inhale, exhale. To do anything but stare at him, stupidly, and wonder if she'd heard him right.  
  
He stepped even closer and grabbed her chin, tilting her jaw upward so that he could kiss her.  
  
She closed her eyes, wishing she could pause the moment and think of every single detail about this kiss.  
  
He pulled away.  
  
"Now go study" he said. "We have midterms."  
  
"I-I guess we could study together-"  
  
He smiled.  
  
"I don't think that's a good idea" he said. "If you come over now the last thing I'll wanna do is study."  
  
"Oh-okay then" she said, "goodnight."  
  
"Goodnight."

He waited until she closed the door behind her to leave.  
  
She waited until she was in the privacy of her own bathroom, looking at her reflection, to smile and smile and smile until she felt like her cheeks would burst.

* * *

  
_Bellamy 11:26pm: I think we need a new rule  
_  
_Clarke 11:28pm: Yeah, what's that?  
_  
_Bellamy 11:29pm: No talking about us, no hanging out in general until this week is over  
_  
_Bellamy 11:29pm: These are my last midterms and I need to focus. And if you're around or if we're fighting or even discussing "us" then I won't be able to._  
  
She couldn't deny that she felt a little disappointed. But she could understand.  
  
_Clarke 11:30pm: Alright. Rule #8: No talking about us or seeing one another until midterms are over.  
_  
_Bellamy 11:30pm: Okay. Goodnight and good luck tomorrow.  
_  
_Clarke 11:31pm: You too._

* * *

  
_Bellamy 12:02am: Are you still awake?_  
  
_Clarke 12:03am: Yeah, why?_  
  
_Bellamy 12:03am: This is horrible. I want to see you._  
  
She smiled, feeling extremely giddy because yeah, she wanted to see him too.  
  
_Clarke 12:04am: What about rule 8? It was your idea, remember?_  
  
_Bellamy 12:05am: Fuck the rules. It's not like we've actually been following them._  
  
_Bellamy 12:05am: I just really, really want to see you. Can I come over?_  
  
_Clarke 12:06am: Absolutely not. Raven's asleep._  
  
_Clarke 12:07am: But I guess I could step outside for a couple of minutes? No talking, no physical contact. Just to see one another._  
  
_Bellamy 12:08 am: Okay, be there in two mins_  
  
Two minutes later, Clarke stood next to the lamp post closest to her house, hugging Bellamy Blake.  
  
They weren't really that great at following rules.

* * *

 

It was Friday night and Clarke Griffin was very, very happy.  
  
She'd past all her midterms. The week was over. She was clad in a small white crop-top and a highwaisted black skater skirt. It still wasn't very warm so she'd pulled on her sheer black tights for a little barrier. She left her hair down and unbrushed and when she looked in the mirror she felt pretty. She was headed to a party with her sorority sisters. She felt unnaturally giddy. She'd even joined them for a round of shots and a big, long group hug.  
  
So they went to the party and Clarke didn't really feel like drinking because she was so, so happy and she wanted to remember everything about this night.  
  
Bellamy held her hand and celebrated with her. Hugged her, kissed her in the hallway and in the kitchen and pretty much everywhere else when they got a moment alone. She played dumb games and sang along to shitty songs and danced with her sisters. And not even the angry little glances she caught every now and again from Echo could bring her down because she was  _happy, happy, happy._  
  
At some point Bellamy lead her to his room and locked the door behind him. And though she wanted to pace herself she really couldn't because for the first time in a long time, she was completely satisfied where her life was headed. There were still unanswered questions and things they needed to talk about but she figured those things could wait.  
  
Tonight she just wanted to live in the moment and enjoy herself.  
  
They didn't talk very much. Their lips were too busy kissing each other, catching up on all the time they'd wasted not kissing one another.  
  
The music was still too loud downstairs but she felt the party fade to background noise. They were laying on his bed side by side but all of a sudden he was on top of her and her hands were quickly taking his shirt off. His went up her thighs, up her skirt and she felt her breathing hitch in her throat. His fingertips slipped into the waistband of her tights, and then her underwear. She didn't want to stop him so she didn't.  
  
He pulled them off and she wondered if he could hear her heart beating embarrassingly loud and fast.  
  
Her legs started to shake once he started to plant kisses on the inside of her thigh going further and further up. She grasped at the sheets underneath her, anticipation already making beads of sweat form on her forehead. She didn't know what to expect so everything was coming as a surprise.  
  
She was holding her breath by the time his head disappeared underneath her skirt. And she only let it out after getting used to the strange feeling of his tongue on her.  
  
She came around his fingers and she didn't bother trying to be quiet because it was too loud for anyone to hear them, anyway.  
  
When he emerged from between her thighs she was still staring at the ceiling, wondering how long it would be before he could do that again. She raised her head at the sound of his zipper. Watched as he reached into his nightstand for a condom and ripped it open with his teeth.  
  
She finally wondered if he had any idea just how inexperienced she was. From the looks of it, he didn't have  _any_  idea.  
  
"You okay?" he asked, rolling the condom on.  
  
She nodded, getting a bit nervous for the first time all night.  
  
A year ago she would have thought that she was too good to lose her virginity at a frat party to someone she'd barely been dating, on a random Friday night. But when he leaned forward and kissed her, spread her legs apart and wedged his hips between them...she felt like it was supposed to happen like this.  
  
"Are you sure? Cause you look a little worried" he said, smiling a little.  
  
"I'm not worried" she said, "I trust you."  
  
"I know you've never been in a serious relationship" he said, "but you've had sex before, right?"  
  
She thought about lying.  
  
"No" she said, "I haven't."  
  
"Oh" he said, leaning back onto his knees, "oh."  
  
"But I want to" she said, reaching forward and placing a hand on his chest. "I want it to be you. Even if..." she trailed off.  
  
_Even if we don't make it. Even if all of this ends. Even if..._  
  
"I trust you" she repeated.

* * *

 

"You lost and you know it" Miles yelled, "stop saying I cheated! I'm just better than you and-"  
  
"Better at  _cheating_  you mean?" Raven yelled back.  
  
"Why don't we all just take it easy" Finn said, putting his hands up, trying to diffuse the tension. An argument had broken out over the latest game of beer pong.  
  
Clarke stood on the side, holding a cup in one hand and Bellamy's hand in the other. She brought the cup to her lips, trying not to laugh.  
  
"Okay next team" Miles said, beckoning Clarke and Bellamy to step up.  
  
They were in the dining room, away from the craziness of the party with a mix of Kappa boys and Delta girls.  
  
Clarke stepped up to the table, watching Bellamy rearrange the cups. She glanced up and found Echo staring daggers at her from the wall with two girls flanking her. Clarke smiled, sweetly, because she knew that would piss them all off.  
  
_Kill them with kindness_ , her father used to say.  
  
After an intense round of beer pong and a loss that didn't really feel like a loss, they stepped aside for the next team. Clarke was typically a competitive person but she was laughing too hard and having too much fun to get upset about it.  
  
They joined the small group of bystanders across the room.  
  
"Where are your tights?" Raven asked, cocking her head to the side.  
  
"Oh, uh- I ripped them so I just took them off in the bathroom."  
  
"Mhm" Raven said, nodding. But the look on her face basically gave away her skepticism.  
  
Clarke stifled another giggle.

"We were just talking about spring break" Raven said.  
  
"A lot of us want to go together" Finn added. And to Clarke's annoyance, he quickly gave her a once-over.  
  
"Yeah" Echo said, stepping closer to the group, "we were actually just deciding on who's gonna go with who. Some people even want to leave a bit early, as soon as exams finish. It's just a matter of who's riding with who and who all will drive."  
  
"Yeah, I mean-" Miller started to say from the side.  
  
"Can you take your car, Bellamy?" Echo asked.  
  
"Uh, yeah. Sure" Bellamy said, shrugging his shoulders.  
  
Clarke ran her thumb over the back of his hand. She'd barely let go of it all night.  
  
"And I guess Clarke will go with you" Echo said, "since she doesn't like to drive."  
  
"Sure" Clarke said, nodding.  
  
_Wait, what?_  
  
How the hell did she know that?  
  
"Clarke doesn't like to drive" Echo said, glancing around the group. "Ever since your dad died in that horrible accident, right Clarke?"

She felt confused for a second. How the hell would Echo know that? Now everyone was glancing at her with a soft sort of pity.  
  
"You told her that?" Clarke asked, looking up at Bellamy.  
  
"No- I mean, yes, but only because-" he started to say, looking a little guilty.  
  
"Of course he told me" Echo said, "Bellamy tells me everything."  
  
"Why would you tell her that?"  
  
"Oh, it's no big deal" Echo said, using a calm, impassive voice, "we were just discussing spring break plans last night and it came up."  
  
"That is not what happened-" Bellamy started.  
  
"Yeah it is" Echo said, "don't you remember? Coming over last night? Talking about everything?"  
  
A few people around them snickered. Clarke glanced around, saw some of them laughing. Whispering. Loving all the drama.  
  
It was all too much. She couldn't process anything besides the fact that it was her they were whispering about, laughing at.  
  
She let go of Bellamy's hand and walked away.  
  
"Griffin, wait-" she heard Bellamy say. "Get out of my way-"  
  
She pushed past a living room full of dancing people and eventually made it to the front door. She stepped out onto the porch, grateful for the burst of chilly air.  
  
She began making her way down the front steps.  
  
"Clarke!"  
  
Of course it was Finn.  
  
Before she could get away he reached for her hand and stopped her on the sidewalk.  
  
"Please let me go" she said.  
  
"I just wanted to see if you were okay" he said, "I hate to say I told you so but I tried to warn you."  
  
Her head felt like it was spinning. She wasn't even sure what she should think about. She didn't even know how to feel. Everything was being crammed together in her head. School, Bellamy, Echo, Raven, Finn, her letters, the contract, the kissing, the party, Bellamy, Bellamy, Bellamy.  
  
"...but I can't" Finn said. She hadn't even heard what he'd said.  
  
She finally looked past him and saw Bellamy coming out of the house, leaping down the steps towards them. And she felt completely rooted to the spot because she wasn't sure if she needed to stay or go or lay down and curl into a ball and cry.  
  
"And ever since we kissed I just haven't felt the same about Raven" he said, "and I really think we're gonna break up this time-"  
  
"You kissed him?"  
  
Why was her life turning into one nightmare after another?  
  
"You kissed him?" Bellamy repeated, stepping closer.  
  
Finn finally glanced behind his shoulder and realized that Bellamy was there, that he'd heard him.  
  
"Clarke" Bellamy said, "you kissed him?"  
  
It was the first time he'd said her first name.  
  
She nodded.  
  
"Are you fucking serious?" he said, "You were pissed at me for  _talking_  to Echo and you fucking kissed this-this piece of shit?"  
  
"I wasn't pissed at you for talking to her!" she yelled, finding her voice, "I was pissed at you because you were still  _in love_  with her! And don't you dare give me any shit because you literally came to  _my fucking house_  to talk to her! Without even telling me!"  
  
Finn had the good sense to step out of the way.  
  
"I fucking told you that things between us were complicated" he said, "but I meant what I said about not being in love with her. And since we've been together I sure as hell haven't been out kissing Echo-"  
  
"No! Just calling her every fucking night and leaving me in the fucking closet while you-!"  
  
"You know why I had to do that! And I'm sure you were _just fine_  being held by this fucking asshole after I left. This isn't about me and Echo! This is about you and Finn. Are you still in love with him or something?"  
  
"You're in love with Finn?"  
  
They both turned and saw that a group had gathered on the porch to watch them scream at each other on the sidewalk. Raven was at the very front and center. Echo was beside her, half smiling. Everyone else was staring, anticipating the next move.  
  
"You kissed him?"  
  
"No, Raven" Clarke began, scrambling to move past Bellamy and get to Raven, "he kissed me and it was barely a kiss and it was a while ago I was going to tell you but-"  
  
"So that makes it okay?" Raven asked, snatching her hand away when Clarke tried to take it.  
  
"No, it doesn't but it didn't mean anything-"  
  
"So Bellamy wasn't enough?" Raven asked, narrowing her eyes, "you had to take Finn too?"  
  
"What?" Clarke asked, "no, of course not. I didn't take anyone-"  
  
"I can't believe you" Raven said. There were tears in her eyes and Clarke knew that she had never, ever hated herself more for being the reason behind those tears.  
  
Raven walked away, screamed at Clarke and Finn when they both tried to follow. Shaw broke away from the group, shook his head in disappointment at Clarke, and followed after Raven.  
  
People ooh'd and laughed and started talking all at once.  
  
Echo and a few other girls started their descent down the stairs. Clarke felt glued to the spot, yet again, because she just couldn't believe how horrible this night had turned out.  
  
"I am very,  _very_  disappointed in you" Echo said, crossing her arms over her chest. "Not only have you been breaking curfew, but you have committed one of the worst sisterly crimes in Delta Nu history. Not only did you break the unspoken rule about dating a sisters ex, but you've broken up a relationship and cheated" Echo said.  
  
"Leave her alone" she heard Bellamy say. A second later he was standing beside her.  
  
"I don't care who your mother is" Echo said, "you will  _never_  be a Delta. You're unfriendly and selfish. You've got a horrible personality. You've betrayed the one friend you have. You're a-"  
  
"That's enough" Bellamy said, stepping in front of Clarke. "Leave her alone. Get the fuck out of here."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
Clarke walked until the lamplights couldn't light her way anymore. She heard Bellamy following but felt too numb to say anything else. Eventually she sat down of the curb and wrapped her arms around her legs.  
  
He sat silently beside her.  
  
She put her head between her knees and cried thick, salty tears until she felt like her lungs would collapse. Bellamy had placed a hand on her back. His forehead on her shoulder.  
  
When she was all cried out, she stood up and finally looked at him.  
  
"This thing" she said, voice thick and sad, "the real thing between us, the contract- all of it- it's over. All of it. I'm done."  
  
"Clarke-" he started, looking like he wanted to protest.  
  
"I don't want to do this anymore."  
  
"Just talk to me, we can work this-" he started to say.  
  
"I'm done!" she yelled. "I'm fucking  _done_  with you."  
  
At that, he deflated. Turned to go. But something made him pause, turn back around.  
  
"You were never second best" he said.  
  
And then he was gone.

* * *

 It was the first day of spring break and Clarke Griffin was walking to the library.  
  
She’d left Delta Nu a couple of days after what she’d named “the dark night”. She would have left sooner, that very night if she could have, but she had nowhere to go. After skipping multiple days of class, she’d found somewhere to stay. The house was old and creaky, but there’d been a spare room. It made her walk to campus almost three times as long, but that didn’t really matter. She was out of Delta Nu and that’s what was important. Having her sisters watch her move her stuff out was horrible. Having Raven refuse to utter even a word to her was unbearable. But the phone call to her mother was worse than anything else. After a long argument that ended with Clarke in tears, breaking down and telling her mother most of the story- she was given a disappointed “okay, Clarke. If that’s what you truly want”. Clarke knew that her mother only wanted the best for her. And she wished that it could have gone as planned. She wished that she could have fit in, found her niche. But she hadn’t. It was only going to be a matter of time before she was kicked out. So she left with the little bit of dignity that she could keep.  
  
It wasn’t ideal, her current living situation. But living alone wasn’t really an option. Getting an apartment in the city meant that she’d have to get a car to drive to class. And it was too late in the school year to get into the dorms. So renting a room from a surly house owner was the best she could do. It had its perks, though.  
  
She had to leave extra early to make it to her morning classes but the walk wasn’t bad. Her housemate and landlord, Anya, was a bit standoffish but she was respectful. Clarke mostly kept to her room. The longest conversation she’d had with Anya was their first one, where they’d discussed house rules and payments. Fortunately, her mother still wanted to finance her for the time being. They had one other roommate, a quiet mousy girl named Maya. Clarke rarely saw either girl and the house was almost always free of guests. Clarke figured that was the way Anya wanted it to stay. Either way, she was grateful. After living in a sorority, it was a welcomed change.  
  
She had time to herself. She could study in peace. She wasn’t pressured to go to parties or hang out with people she didn’t really know. She didn’t have to talk to anyone. And when she went to bed at night, she laid there by herself and thought about everything that had led to her being in that very spot.  
  
The first few nights were horrible. But eventually she stopped mourning over what could have been and crying over what actually was. In the solitude she read and wrote and even practiced playing the guitar Maya let her use.  
  
She’d avoided going down Greek street, though she’d had to go out of her way to do it. But now she freely walked down it, on the way to the library, feeling okay because she was sure that all the houses were empty. They’d all gone away for spring break.  
  
Both Maya and Anya had left as well, leaving the house all to Clarke. Their house key jingled around her neck. She had thought about going home for spring break but ultimately decided against it. She’d missed her mother but the disappointment was still too fresh.  
  
She encountered a couple students here and there on campus, but for the most part that was empty too. A work study student was the only other person she saw in the library.  
  
She figured she could use her spring break to get a head start in classes. Maybe decorate her new room a bit. Go into the city and explore. Get a few things for the house. It was only the first day though, and she had two weeks. She was a little excited to have the entire house to herself tonight.  
  
After a couple hours and a lot of outlines and organization, she decided to head home. She packed up her books, slung her backpack over her shoulder and left.  
  
She'd just walked through the main door of the library when she bumped into someone. Her phone slipped out of her hand and landed on the floor and for a second her heart sank because it landed face down and surely her screen had broken.  
  
"Shit, sorry" she heard, and her heart sank even further.  
  
Bellamy bent down and picked her phone up. And when he reached out to hand it back to her it was only then he realized it was her he'd bumped into.

"Hey" he said.  
  
_Fuck my life._  
  
She couldn't find her voice. Couldn't even say hello because  _why why why._  
  
She'd been so careful. It had been exactly three weeks and two days since she'd seen him last. They rarely saw one another on campus, being in different grades and completely different programs, so that was easy. She'd avoided Greek street, too. She rarely even went to the library anymore.  _Why why why_  wasn't she looking? Why wasn't she paying attention? Why was he here, anyway?  
  
He was still looking at her, still holding her phone out. She finally realized that she hadn't even taken it back. She shook out of the trance and reached for her phone, a little clumsily. She was a bit preoccupied with the pain in her heart, the knot in her stomach.  
  
"Hi" she mumbled, finally looking away.  
  
He waited for a second, like he was anticipating that she would flee the scene right then and there. She wasn't sure why she didn't.  
  
"Did you not-" he started.  
  
"What are you-" she'd said at the same time.  
  
They both looked away and she realized it was the first time in a long time that things felt awkward between them. Maybe it was the first time in general.  
  
"What are you doing here?" she finally managed to get out. The silence was killing her and yet she couldn't walk away.  
  
It'd been horrible, so horrible, thinking of him the past three weeks. Because in truth she stayed up late, wondering what he was doing. Wondering if he missed her, too. Wondering if he was hurting like she was.  
  
And though she'd avoided him and pretty much everyone that had something to do with that terrible night, she kept her ears open, hoping that someone would mention his name so that maybe she'd get a glimpse into his life. But on the few rare occasions she did, it was nothing of use. Nothing that told her how he was doing.  
  
She'd also secretly been expecting to hear something about him and Echo. But she hadn't. And she wasn't sure if that was because there was nothing to be heard. Or maybe because it wasn't something that was openly discussed outside of Delta Nu.  
  
"Just headed to the library" he said, nodding to where she'd just come from.  
  
"It's spring break" she said.  
  
"I know" he said, "just figured I'd get a head start on these next few weeks."  
  
"You didn't go on spring break?"  
  
"Obviously" he said and the ghost of a smile appeared on his face.

"Why not?" she questioned. "It's your last one."  
  
He shrugged, looked away for a second.  
  
"Just didn't feel like it."  
  
She nodded.  
  
God, her heart was being torn to pieces.  
  
"Well, I should get going" she finally said, sticking her hands into her jacket pockets. Her hands felt like they were starting to shake.  
  
"Where are you staying now?" he asked, "I heard that, uh, that you moved out?"  
  
That was a nice, simple way to put it.  
  
"Just a couple blocks away" she said, "I'm renting a room."  
  
He nodded.  
  
"I guess I'll see you around" he said.  
  
She felt like someone wrapped their hand around her throat. It hurt to breathe, to swallow.  
  
She made it off campus before she let her tears slip freely down her face.  
  
_Just a few more months_ , she thought,  _just a few more months and he'll be gone and you won't have to go through that ever again. Just a few more months._

* * *

  
That night, though the house was empty she stayed in the confines of her room. She hadn't expected such a casual ordeal to leave her in tears. By 11pm her heart still hurt and the knot in her stomach had only grown bigger. And because she really had no other way to cope, she found a piece of paper and a dark ink pen and started writing her second letter to Bellamy Blake.  
  
Apparently she hadn't really learned her lesson. Her hand was cramping and there were fresh tears in her eyes at 11:42 pm and she was still writing.  
  
And then her phone rang.  
  
She stared at it, wide eyed and confused. Why was Bellamy Blake calling? And more importantly, should she answer?  
  
_Don't answer it. Don't. You will only end up in even worse shape. Have some dignity and hit DECLINE like you should have done the first time he ever called-_  
  
"Hello?" she said.  
  
She couldn't help it.  
  
She missed him. She missed his voice. And even if it meant she would suffer she wanted it. She wanted to hear his voice even if he was going to say all the wrong things.  
  
"Hey" he said, sounding a bit surprised.  
  
She waited. Silence.  
  
"I'm sorry" he said, "I know it's late. I know I shouldn't be calling at all. I'm just- I'm surprised you answered."  
  
"Did you not want me to?"

She hoped it wasn't evident that she'd been crying. She hoped that he wouldn't hear it in her voice.  
  
"No, I wanted you to" he said, "I just didn't think you would."  
  
"What do you want?" she asked. She had meant for it to come of a little cold, a little harsh. But she wasn't sure it did.  
  
He sighed.  
  
"I wanted to hear your voice" he said.  
  
She closed her eyes, so glad to be hearing his.  
  
Though they missed each other's voices, neither of them talked. She wasn't sure how long they stayed that way, silent on the phone.  
  
"I miss you."  
  
_God, why'd he have to say that? Why?_  
  
"I miss you too" she finally mumbled.  
  
"If you don't want to talk or see me I swear I won't keep bothering you but, fuck- I miss you, Clarke. I miss you so fucking much. And I know that I fucked up and I know that I brought everything down on you" he said quickly, like the words were dying to get out, "and I know that I ruined everything but I miss you. I can't stop thinking about you. And then I saw you today and you actually talked to me so I guess that gave me courage to call."  
  
She kept her eyes closed. She wasn't sure how she could feel both happy and extremely sad at the same time. But she could and she did.  
  
"I only told Echo about the driving thing because she seemed bent on you and I both driving so we couldn't really go together and I let it slip and I shouldn't have, I know" he continued on, "and the only reason I went to see her was so that I could tell her in person that it really was over because she deserved that. Because I wanted her to know that I was serious. If I would have told you all of this could have been avoided but I didn't and I've been cursing myself for it for the past three weeks. I'm sorry for yelling at you about Finn. And I totally get why you didn't tell me that he kissed you. I get it and I'm sorry. I-just, fuck. I'm sorry."  
  
She wasn't really sure what to say. He'd never gone off on an emotional tangent like that before. In fact, he rarely every talked about his feelings in depth. He wasn't that kind of person.  
  
"Are you still there?"  
  
The sound of his voice brought her back to reality.  
  
"Yeah, I'm here."  
  
"Can we-" he paused, "do you think we can still be friends?"  
  
_Ah._  That hurt, too.  
  
"Yeah" she said, "yeah. We can still be friends, Bellamy."  
  
He let out a sigh. She wasn't sure if it was out of relief or something else.  
  
"Do you want to do something tomorrow?"  
  
_That's not a good idea._  
  
"Like what?"  
  
_Oh my god. You dumbass._  
  
"I don't know" he said, "we could go into the city? Get breakfast or something?"  
  
_Don't-_  
  
"Alright" she said.  
  
"Okay" he said, surprised again. "Okay. I'll see you in the morning?"  
  
"See you."  
  
She left her letter unfinished.  
  
She wasn't sure about the ending. Not just yet.

* * *

 

She'd never admit it but by the time he came to pick her up around 10am she'd already been up for four hours. She'd never admit it but she'd picked up her phone, a few times, to cancel. To fake sick. Anything to get out of what she was sure would not be a good idea in the long run.  
  
It wouldn't be a good idea because maybe being his friend would be impossible. Maybe it'd be easier to ignore him for the remainder of the semester. Maybe then she could finish her letter and put it, and Bellamy Blake, away for good.  
  
And yet at 10:30 she was sitting across from him in a small coffee shop, wondering if everything would feel as awkward as the car ride that brought them there. They'd said hello, made a little casual conversation mostly about classes and graduation and that was it. She wasn't sure if they'd continue to leave things unsaid as they'd already grown accustomed to. She didn't know if she should keep him at a distance like she'd planned on. She wasn't sure if she could.  
  
"Have you talked to Raven?" she finally asked.  
  
"Yeah" he said. "I wanted to tell you that I kind of told her everything."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I probably should have asked you first but I ran into her and she was still so pissed and it all just kinda came out."  
  
"What did you tell her?"  
  
"I told her that everything was my idea" he said. "That we started this because-"  
  
"Did she believe you?" Clarke interrupted, "What'd she say?"  
  
"She seemed a little skeptical at first" he said, "but I think she understood. She asked about you-"  
  
"How long ago was that?"  
  
"About a week" he said.  
  
Raven had been ignoring her since that night so Clarke hadn't even had an opportunity to explain everything. She'd called her a few times but Raven never answered. Clarke figured that she wanted space.  
  
"She was still pretty pissed" he said, "but I think she understood that you never meant to hurt her."  
  
"She won't forgive me though" Clarke said, looking down at the mug in her hand, "I ruined her relationship."  
  
"No, you didn't" he said. "You didn't ruin their relationship. Finn did."  
  
They stayed silent for a while. Clarke pushed her breakfast around, wondering if there was anything salvagable of their friendship. She hoped so. Maybe with time they could even be friends, if Raven wanted to. Clarke missed her almost as much as she'd missed Bellamy.

And though she tried to restrain herself for as long as she could, she finally broke down and asked the only other thing she'd wanted to know. They were driving back by that time and she mostly asked because she knew he'd be dropping her off and she wouldn't have to look at him for much longer-  
  
"Are you-" she started, facing away from him, staring out of the window, "have you been seeing anyone?"  
  
"No" he said.  
  
She turned to find him staring at her.  
  
"Please keep your eyes on the road."  
  
He half-smiled and Clarke felt like she could breathe normally again.

* * *

 

She wasn't sure how to feel. She kept going over and over everything that he'd said.  
  
He wasn't seeing anyone.  
  
Maybe he was lying. She wasn't really sure. But he was here, taking her to breakfast even though it was the last spring break of his college life. Any maybe it was a mistake but she agreed to see him again.  
  
A whole week passed and she'd spent at least a couple hours with Bellamy Blake each day.  
  
They went to the city. They hung out and studied at the library. He'd even taken her to a furniture store and carried all of her heavy boxes into the house. He'd helped her put together a new computer desk for her room. He fixed the stupid, leaky shower head in her bathroom. One night he walked her home when they'd stayed on campus for too long.  
  
And in the daytime it felt fine, really. Because he was her friend and it felt nice to have him around. And with most of the people around them off partying at the beach or vacationing with their families, it felt great to have someone to spend time with.  
  
But then it'd be midnight and she'd be laying wide awake in bed, torturing herself.  
  
_Maybe I should call him? Maybe I'll just go over there right now and tell him how I feel? Maybe tomorrow I'll tell him that we can't be friends anymore? Maybe I'll just drop him altogether? Maybe we could make it work? Maybe, if I tell him, he'll stick around after graduation? Maybe he'll stay close to Arkadia? Maybe we could do the whole long-distance thing? Maybe he'll get back together with Echo and I'll be on my own? Maybe I should find someone else to talk to, someone else to like? Maybe I'll just-_  
  
It was torture. She didn't want to be his friend. She didn't want to keep him at a distance. But she also didn't want to be hurt again. She didn't know if she wanted to take that risk or not. Hell, she didn't know if he wanted to either.  
  
There were so many mixed emotions building up inside of her. He looked at her a bit too long a bit too often for a friend.  
  
She was up, fighting with herself and her feelings again when her phone beeped with a new text message.  
  
_Bellamy 12:16 am: Are you awake?  
_  
_Clarke 12:16am: yeah  
_  
_Bellamy 12:17am: Do you want to go somewhere?  
_  
_Bellamy 12:17am: Not right now. I mean like, maybe the day after tomorrow?  
_  
_Clarke 12:18am: Where?  
_  
_Bellamy 12:18am: I don't know. The lake or something? It is spring break, after all. Maybe we deserve a little vacation before classes pick back up.  
_  
_Clarke 12:20am: Okay, sure. That sounds fun._  
  
The next day they went shopping for a couple things. Clarke picked up a bottle of sunscreen and a new beach towel. She'd debated on getting another swimsuit but decided against it. Bellamy pushed the cart around and by the time they were ready to check out, their cart was almost half full.  
  
"That's a lot of stuff for just a day trip" Clarke commented, helping him place the items onto the checkout lane.  
  
"A lot can happen in a day" he said, shrugging. "Better safe than sorry, right?"  
  
_Better safe than sorry._  
  
She definitely wasn't playing it safe. Not with him. She wasn't sure if she'd be sorry, though. Not yet.  
  
"Yeah" she said. "Better safe than sorry."

* * *

 

They were 45 minutes into their two hour drive to the closest lake and Bellamy finally asked her what he'd probably wanted to know for a while.  
  
"So have you seen Finn?"  
  
"We have a class together" she said, feeling guilt resurface at the sound of his name. "But we haven't talked. Have you? You guys to live together."  
  
"Nope. We mostly avoid one another at home" he said. "Sometime's he'll look at me all weird but that's about it."  
  
Clarke half-smiled. She could see it.  
  
"You're not..." he started.  
  
She waited for him to continue but he didn't.  
  
"What?" she asked, a little agitated, "Still in love with him?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"No. I'm not."  
  
He coughed though he didn't really need to. She opened the backpack at her feet and took her book out. They still had a while to go.

* * *

 

The lake was packed with people, just as they'd expected. After parking the car, they hiked the grounds until they found a tiny spot between the trees, right against the edge of the lake. It was a small spot but they were close to the water and away from the crowd. The trees would provide them with some shade.  
  
They spread a blanket and put down all the stuff they'd brought. The sun lazily made its way across the sky and Clarke Griffin felt happy. Too happy.  
  
The air was warm and the sun was out and her face was already slightly red. They'd brought tons of snacks and Bellamy was totally smug because she had underestimated just how hungry they'd be after swimming. And by late afternoon they were both laying on the blanket they'd brought, with  _Go Your Own Way_  playing on speaker from Bellamy's phone.  
  
He was on his back with his arms crossed behind his head. And though they were in the shade and the sun was already setting, he had his sunglasses on and Clarke was half sure that he might have dozed off.  
  
And it was only because she was half sure that he was sleeping that she let herself peek over at him. Study him. Watch the rise and fall of his bare chest.  
  
She couldn't shake the feeling that everything felt _right_. Like she was supposed to be there with him. Like, despite everything that had happened between them, being with him just made sense.  
  
Maybe it was a mistake. But it didn't feel like one.  
  
It didn't feel like one because despite all that had happened, she felt happy when she was with him. And maybe they didn't have to be romantic. Maybe they could just be friends. She wanted his company. His friendship. If that was all she was going to get, then so be it. Because he'd made her smile more, laugh more, feel more than anyone else she'd met.  
  
Eventually she found herself shaking him awake.  
  
"Bellamy, wake up" she said, taking his glasses off.  
  
He opened his eyes and smiled so sweetly up at her, like he felt the same kind of affection for her that she wished he would and for a second it hurt a little too much to think that they would only be friends.  
  
"Hey" he said.  
  
"It's getting late" she said. "Do you wanna go for one more swim before we head back?"  
  
"Sure."

A little while later, the sun was just barely peeking above the horizon and Clarke was chest deep in water. She loved the glow on the water. The way it made everything sparkle. She loved that Bellamy was standing beside her, taking in beautiful scene before them.  
  
"This was a good idea" she said, committing the scene to memory. Everything felt perfect. All of their problems and obligations and issues felt far away.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
She looked over at him, nodding.  
  
And then suddenly the sun was gone and things got a lot darker and Clarke Griffin realized that she couldn't be just friends with Bellamy Blake.  
  
"I miss you" she suddenly said, a bit surprised by her own honesty. Bellamy looked surprised too. But he was looking at her in a way that made her think that he understood.  
  
"I miss you too."  
  
"Are you really-" she started to say, voice dropping to a whisper, "don't say that unless you really mean it. Don't say that unless you're really done with-"  
  
"I miss you" he said, swimming a little closer. "I haven't stopped missing you."  
  
"Are you-"  
  
"There's no one else" he said. "Just you."  
  
Clarke felt like she was stuck in place. Like any movement would disturb the perfect daydream she was in.  
  
"I meant what I said. You were never second best."  
  
She swam closer, closing the distance between them. He stayed completely still, like he wanted to watch the scene unfold before him. She didn't think twice about it. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed Bellamy Blake.  
  
It was slow and sweet and warm. And though it wasn't her first time kissing him, it sure felt like it.  
  
He wrapped his arms around her back and even when they stopped kissing he still didn't let her go. So she wrapped her arms around him and stayed in the daydream a little while longer.  
  
The sound of his heartbeat and moving water lulled her into comfort she'd been missing for the past few weeks. The drama and the hurt feelings, the embarrassment and the regret...they all felt far away. Like maybe they'd happened to her in another life. That was one problem, and yet, something she loved about being with him. Somehow, everything else became smaller.  
  
And then it was time to go and they were packing their things. They walked to the car but Clarke kept smiling because Bellamy would not stop smiling. And to her it felt like another new beginning. A fresh start. It felt like something new even though it wasn't.  
  
Because, this time, there were no rules. No contracts. No false pretenses. She wouldn't hide her feelings, or shy away from them because,  _oh my god_ , he felt it too. He liked her. He had missed her. He wanted her.  
  
Bellamy got behind the wheel and they headed home. But he was still smiling and holding her hand with one of his. Clarke leaned her head onto the seat and stared at him, not bothering to hide it.  
  
In the back of her mind a tiny little voice told her this was just a sweet period. A honeymoon phase. Because in a couple days they'd be back in the real world. In the real world of classes and peers and sororities and graduation and lots of question marks.  
  
She scooted closer to him. Backed away from the real world.  
  
And before she knew it he'd pulled over into some empty parking lot and she was in his lap. They were kissing and his hands were all over her and it was raining. When did it start raining? She wasn't really sure.  
  
He was kissing her neck and she felt like her skin was on fire. And even though there were so many unanswered questions between them everything felt okay. Like maybe they'd figure it out. And even if they didn't, even if they couldn't, this moment was theirs and theirs only.  
  
At some point Clarke opened her eyes, leaned her forehead on his. He was breathing heavy, heart beating as fast as hers was. His fingertips were griping her hips, helping her move in the cramped space. And though it wasn't exactly what she'd imagined for herself, it all felt right. Like she was supposed to be there, fucking Bellamy Blake in the car during a thunderstorm. Not in some fancy, foreign country. Not at some beach getting trashed with her sorority sisters. But right there, sunburnt and tired and almost positive that she was in  _actual_  love with someone for the first time in her life.  
  
Afterwards she sat as close as possible to him and they drove home in silence. She figured that he, too, was content with staying in their happy little bubble. If only for a little while.

* * *

 

After that, Clarke felt anchored to him.  
  
For the remainder of spring break, she woke up with him and went to sleep beside him. They pushed aside all thoughts of getting ahead and instead spent time with one another. And no matter what they did, when and if they had to separate Clarke felt the knot in her stomach grow bit by bit.  
  
Because even if they were on the couch laughing or reaching the top of a strenuous hike, a little voice in Clarke's head told her she was on borrowed time. Classes would start back up and they'd both get busy again. People would force their ways into their lives, their bubble.  
  
And Bellamy was graduating.  
  
Before Clarke knew it, Anya and Maya were back. Greek street was repopulated. Students were everywhere and a general sense of dread fell over the entire campus.  
  
It was the Sunday night before classes picked back up the next day and Clarke way laying beside Bellamy.  
  
"So have you heard back from any of the jobs you applied for?" she finally asked.  
  
They'd talked about almost everything. Countless conversations and nights spent staying awake, talking about everything that happened and everything that didn't and everything that should have. And in all that time she hadn't asked about his plans because she wasn't sure if they would include her or not.  
  
"A few" he said.  
  
Bellamy was going to be a teacher. Clarke had a difficult time accepting it when he'd first told her. But now that she knew him, really knew him, she could totally see it.  
  
He was patient, especially with younger people. He'd helped raise his sister before she'd left him. And in a weird way, Clarke had a feeling that had something to do with the path he'd chosen.  
  
"Yeah?" she said, finding it a little hard to look at him. "Which ones?"  
  
"I got an offer from Mount Weather" he said.  
  
Mount Weather. A tiny elementary school, roughly 400 miles away from Arkadia. The place he'd oriented at last summer.  
  
The knot in her stomach grew.  
  
She slipped out from under the sheet they were under. Picked up the t-shirt beside her bed and pulled it over her head.  
  
"Are you gonna take it?" she asked with her back still turned. She didn't know what to expect in his answer. She was too nervous to look at him.  
  
"I don't know" he said. "I'm still thinking about it."  
  
She kind of felt like her throat was closing up.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
_No, not at all._  
  
"Yeah" she said, sitting back down beside him. "Just a little nervous I guess."  
  
"About what?"  
  
"Classes starting back up" she quickly answered, "the semester coming to an end. Going back, I guess."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because" she said, shrugging her shoulders like it was obvious. "I've been really happy lately and I guess I'm just nervous that things will get bad again."  
  
"What do you mean?" he asked, sitting back up.  
  
"We'll have to see everyone again."  
  
"And?" he questioned, like he had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.  
  
"And" she said, "I don't know if you've noticed but...most of the issues between us have resulted because other people interfering in our-our relationship."  
  
Saying _relationship_  out loud felt a little strange. They were in a relationship, weren't they?  
  
"That was different" he said, looking over at her.  
  
"I guess so."  
  
His eyebrows were still furrowed in confusion.  
  
"Are you nervous about graduation? About what comes after that?" she asked. She meant it in terms of what comes next in his life. But she was also asking because she was nervous about what would come after for them. For this thing that had built between them.  
  
"Not really" he said, shrugging. "I'll figure it out."  
  
Nothing about her. Did he even think about that, at all? What it would mean for them?Suddenly she felt herself grow a little agitated. Would it always be like this between them?  
  
"You should take the job in Mount Weather" she said. "It's what you want, isn't it? If that's the way you want to go, you should take it."  
  
He didn't say anything but he was still looking at her like he was a bit confused and she wasn't really sure how to explain it to him. When she was with him everything made sense. Like he kept her centered in this new world of college and classes and relationships. But sometimes-  
  
"This is definitely not the way I imagined my life" she said, more to herself.  
  
"What did you imagine?"  
  
"I don't really know" she said. "But I never thought about stupid letters and fake relationships. Basically getting kicked out of my sorority. Being disliked by people."  
  
"What did you imagine?" he repeated, sounding a bit agitated. "What did you want to happen?"  
  
"I don't know. Just not this."  
  
And though the thought made sense in her head, it came out wrong.  
  
Suddenly he was standing up and pulling his own shirt over his shoulders with his back turned.  
  
"I think I know" he said. "I think you imagined a fun sorority and being best friends with your sisters, like your mom was. I think you imagined finding someone like Finn and having a perfect relationship. Is that it?"  
  
"Why are you getting all worked up? I just said that-"  
  
"That this isn't everything you'd imagined it would be?" he finished, turning to face her. "Everything you wanted for yourself?"  
  
"Why are you upset? I didn't mean it like that."  
  
"Then what did you mean?" he asked, "and why wouldn't I be upset? I know everything that happened between us was a little fucked up but...it ended the way it was supposed to, didn't it? I'm in love with you and you're basically saying that if you could change things you would."  
  
"That's not what I meant to say."  
  
"You keep saying that and yet I still don't understand what it is that you actually want to say."  
  
It finally registered with her that he'd used the L word.  
  
"You're in love with me?"  
  
The question hung in the air and it sounded even more ridiculous coming out of her mouth. Was he really in love with her? She found it a little hard to believe.  
  
He opened his mouth, not meeting her eye. Instead he looked out the window.  
  
"I'm gonna go" he said. "I-I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
And then he was gone and Clarke was left wondering if he'd meant to let it slip or not. Left wondering if she had already begun ruining this thing that had built between them. Left wondering why she so often left things unsaid or said wrong.

She called him later that night, when her thoughts were running a little wild. But he didn't answer. She hated the bit of distance that had already wedged them apart. She hadn't meant to make it seem like she regretted anything. She didn't, not really. Because truthfully she had known from the start that she wasn't meant to fit in. She was Clarke Griffin. She wanted, she needed to stand out.  
  
The picture perfect life that Bellamy probably thought she wanted was the furthest thing from what she actually wanted. And she hated that he didn't know that. Because despite the arguments and the hurt feelings and the embarrassment that had resulted directly because of words she'd written in stupid letters...those letters were what had brought her to where she was now.  
  
In love. Out, basically on her own and loving it. Waking up not knowing exactly what the day would hold. She was Clarke Griffin and she wasn't meant to follow rules and paths already set for her. And the things that had happened to her only happened because she shied away from her feelings, wrote them out in letters only her eyes were supposed to see. She didn't want to live that way anymore.  
  
So the next day she was determined to give Bellamy another letter. One she'd finished in the late hours of the night before. She tried to focus on class in the morning, telling herself that she had no reason to be nervous about the little envelope in her back pocket.  
  
He was in love with her, too. She still couldn't really believe it. But she was tired of downplaying the importance of his life in hers.  
  
After her first class she set out and made her way outside, wondering if he was on the track or the bleachers or maybe waiting for her in the grassy field as he'd waited that first day, months ago.  
  
But he wasn't.  
  
Instead she found Raven, sitting by herself.  
  
And though Clarke was nervous she knew she'd have to bite the bullet at some point.  
  
"Look, before you say anything" she said, as soon as she'd walked up to Raven, "I just need to get this off my chest. Yes, I had a crush on Finn. I liked him before I even knew he had a girlfriend. I liked him even before I knew you. And yes, that crush only got bigger with the more time I spent with you guys. And I can't really apologize for that because it was the way I felt at the time."  
  
Raven stayed silent.  
  
"But I am sorry that I got between you guys" Clarke said, "even though it wasn't intentional. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about Finn kissing me. I guess I just knew you'd never be the same with me and I wasn't ready to let you go. I am so, so sorry for that. And for the way you found out. And if you don't want to be friends again I will understand. I never told you any of this because I didn't want to hurt you. And because I love you more than I ever liked him."  
  
_There._  
  
She waited four seconds. Five.  
  
Nothing.  
  
She'd just turned to go when,  
  
"Wait" Raven said.  
  
And Clarke thought she might cry tears of joy because maybe, just maybe this was another relationship she could save. She turned and Raven motioned to the spot beside her.  
  
They stayed quiet just long enough for Clarke to start to worry her bottom lip.  
  
"Bellamy told me" Raven said, "about everything."  
  
"Yeah? And?"  
  
"And" Raven said, taking a deep breath, "I know that must have been hard for you."  
  
She finally looked over at Clarke, smiling a little sadly.  
  
"I mean" she said, "I pretty much made you go everywhere with us. And I hate that you didn't tell me about it. I hate that you liked him at all. I especially hate that he liked you too."  
  
Clarke looked away.  
  
"Raven-"  
  
"But what I hate most is that you felt like you couldn't even talk to me about it."  
  
"I didn't want to hurt you-"  
  
"I know" Raven said, "and I appreciate that. But that meant you must have had to suffer in silence and I'm sorry you couldn't talk to me about it."  
  
"It's not you, though" Clarke said, "I've been like that with everyone. That's what got me into this mess in the first place."  
  
"Oh, yeah, I meant to ask you about that" Raven said, "who the hell still writes letters anymore?"  
  
And just like that,  
  
Clarke felt like the day just got a little brighter.

* * *

 

It was a bit slow in the beginning but after three long hours, two cups of coffee and one missed lecture- she and Raven were back on good terms.  
  
Clarke told her the truth about everything, from beginning to end. Starting with the box that had held her letters and ending with her miscommunication with Bellamy. Raven had a few secrets of her own that she'd been dying to share.  
  
She'd started seeing someone new. She seemed happy and that was all that was important to Clarke. And afterwards they made plans to catch up later that week and Clarke walked away, feeling better and lighter.  
  
Towards the end of the day she finally found him. He'd stayed behind after what she guessed was soccer practice. He was on the field, practice shooting a soccer ball into an empty goal. She pulled the letter out of her pocket and walked towards him, feeling a dry spot form on her tongue. A lump in her throat. Her fingers shook and the knot in her stomach felt tighter than ever.  
  
"Hey" he said, looking in her direction but not directly at her.  
  
"Hi" she said, feeling scared and brave all at once.  
  
"What've you got there?" he asked, nodding towards the letter she was almost crushing in her hands.  
  
"A letter."  
  
He raised an eyebrow, like  _really, another one?_  But he was smiling a little.  
  
"I want to read it to you" she said, shaky fingers fumbling with the piece of paper that would definitely, definitely change things.  
  
"Okay" he said, turning to face her fully and give her his undivided attention.  
  
Clarke stared at the words, wondering if maybe this was the dumbest, cheesiest idea she'd ever had.  
  
"Can you turn around?"  
  
"What?" he asked, mouth half tilted into a smile.  
  
"I don't think I can do this if you're staring at me" she said.  
  
He laughed, just a little, and turned around. She let out a deep sigh. It was definitely easier this way.  
  
She brought the letter closer, took one more deep breath and started,  
  
"Dear Bellamy" she said, "I'm writing you this letter because I'm not really sure how else to get this out. I'm kind of wondering if this is a bad idea because me writing these things hasn't always been in my best interest. Either way, I just have so much on my mind and everything is piling up and I really, really need you to tell you this even if you don't hear it.  
  
I saw you today after a few weeks apart and I realized that I am still so, so mad at you. I found out that you've still been seeing your ex. That you told her things I told you in confidence, in a place and time and moment that was supposed to be our own. I'm mad at you because you found out about Finn kissing me and accused me of still being in love with him. I'm mad because I'm not and I hate that you think I might be. I'm mad because we got in another fight, a public one, and now I won't know how to act around you or anyone else. I'm mad because I agreed to a fake relationship. I'm mad because I got it confused with a real one. I'm mad because I kept pretending even when it all became real. I'm mad because I wasted time not talking to you. Ignoring you.  
  
I'm scared because I'm not really sure what happens next. What happens now? I'm scared because you're on your path and I'm on mine and maybe they weren't supposed to cross. Maybe they were. I'm scared that maybe they'll part again. I'm scared because there are so many uncertainties.  
  
But I'm writing you this letter because you're special, Bellamy Blake. You're nothing like I expected and maybe that's a character flaw of mine. You have horrible taste in music. You read too many boring books. You like being liked, you like being-"  
  
"Well that's debatable" he said. "The music thing."  
  
"Please let me finish" she said, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Sorry" he said, "please, go on."  
  
She brought the letter closer to her and cleared her throat.  
  
"You were nice to me when I had my dumb schoolgirl crush on you. You didn't judge me or look at me weird when you found out I liked my best friends boyfriend. You actually took the time to get to know me. You listened to me. You made me feel seen. You made me feel special.  
  
Bellamy I'm sorry for making you think this was not what I wanted. It was. It still is. I'm nervous and unsure and scared because I'm not sure about what will happen after this. You're graduating and I'm not. You're moving on and I'm not. But you were the one who wasn't afraid to admit it when things got real in our fake relationship. You were the one who called first. And then tonight you told me that you were in love with me.  
  
So I wanted to be the brave one this time, Bellamy. I wanted to write you this letter, the last one I will ever write because I'm done writing these. I want to tell you that I-" her voice cut off. She swallowed past the lump in her throat. "I want to tell you that I'm in love with you, too. I am so, so in love with you I almost can't stand it. It's driving me crazy because I had no idea how wonderful and consuming and-and life changing falling in love would be. But now I know and I wouldn't change anything because I realize that you are right.

Every letter, every mistake, every argument and action brought me to this very spot with you."  
  
She pulled the letter away from her face and tucked it in her pocket. She reached forward and place a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"Bellamy?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You can turn around now."  
  
She held her breath. And then he turned around and he was smiling again, really smiling, and looking at her in a way she'd already grown used to. Looking at her like she wanted him to.  
  
"I want to do this" she said, "I want to be with you. I don't care about distance or anything else that might get between us at some point in our lives. You can go your own way, and-"  
  
He reached forward and placed his hand under her jaw. His thumb caressing her cheek,  
  
"Only if you go my way too, Griffin" he said.  
  
He leaned down to kiss her. Eventually, she stopped smiling and kissed him back.

**Author's Note:**

> Bonus points to anyone who knows where I got the idea for Clarke's sorority! :D
> 
> Thank you for reading! Let me know what ya thought here or on Tumblr. You can find me at and-so-we-meet-again.tumblr.com :)
> 
> PSS- I might, at some point, come back to this fic and add a second part about Bellarke and what their future held. But for now, let your shipper hearts decide.  
> May we meet again! <3


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